A Graceful Death

Talking.

2012-02-11T03:04:00.000-08:00

A Graceful Death started with me losing Steve. I was forced to accompany him to his death out of the blue, there had never been anything like it in my life. Steve had had cancer before, and was given the all clear, so we thought that the all clear meant Never Again, Banished and Over. When a routine test showed worrying shadows on his liver, we simply did not believe it. It is something else, we said to each other. It is bound to be a simple thing and anyway, we have an all clear, nothing can harm us now. When we were gently guided towards accepting it was cancer, we said No way! to each other. We can will this away, we said and we went on holiday. During the holiday, Steve set about stopping the cancer with his mind, and I had such perfect faith in him, I let him get on with it. Our appointment with the hospital when we got back was a terrible shock. The cancer had grown, and there was only palliative care as an option.

Holding onto Steve as he got more and more ill, I had to learn that when someone is going to die, they are going to die. I had to learn to let go and do the best I could for him without clinging onto his exhausted body and shouting NO! I will make you better! I had to step back and accept that the process was going to happen whatever I did or thought, and that was very hard. Steve's death was very much his thing. I had to learn to follow, and watch, and understand that all I could do was go so far, and put up with it. I was told by a wonderful cousin, that I could only dance so far with him, he had to finish the dance alone.

The work I do now for AGD is about giving the end of life some meaning. I paint people who are facing either their own deaths, or facing a life threatening illness. It is not only about who is dying, but how they are dying. Eileen Rafferty, the friend and photographer who works on AGD with me, and I are realising that the conversations we have around the paintings with new subjects and their families, are an essential part of the end product, the painting. We have bought a camera and microphone, and Eileen intends to record the interviews that we always hold with the new sitter for AGD to show alongside the painting. The paintings are good, they capture a visual moment, but the talking that goes on around the painting, is full of insights, thoughts, difficulties and for us who are not going through it, information.

I have been training as a Soul Midwife, alongside my AGD work. A Soul Midwife is an emotional and spiritual companion for the dying. I am only a beginner, and I have much training to do. As I expand my work with AGD I come into contact with more and more people who are facing their deaths and, of huge importance, I meet their families and carers. This is where I apply whatever I know of Soul Midwifery and I realise that I know next to nothing, but, I am helped along so much by those who sit for the exhibition. I do not accompany people as a Soul Midwife unless they request it, and it is not linked directly to AGD, but sometimes I am requested while working on a portrait, to help with the emotional and spiritual support. I will do anything that I can, and am often in awe of the power of the dying to cope with their condition.

Eileen and I have found that the most important part of what we do for AGD (and isn't this true of life itself?) is to listen. Before I do a painting, Eileen and I interview the sitter. It takes more than one interview, and this is where so much that is needed to be heard, is said. This is where Eileen is going to record the words. She has already recorded Stuart Pryde who talked so brilliantly of his wife Sue's suicide, which will be shown in the St James's Church exhibition coming up, alongside the paintings of Stuart, Sue and Sue's suicide note. We are going to record a wonderful couple here in West Sussex in March who are suddenly catapulted into cancer and the rapid change to their lives and dreams. A painting will follow, of both ladies, and another small opening will take place. We will record both the patient and the carer, and it will expand the scope of AGD to include how the prospect of terminal illness affects the partner who in most cases, is also the carer.

This year, 2012, sees A Graceful Death take part in Palliative Care conferences and training programmes. I am also going to visit schools to talk to the pupils about the exhibition and end of life matters. I am going to talk about the work I do, and the impact the exhibition has on those that see it - and I suspect, the impact it has on me. I am always affected by the work. I am delighted to speak about AGD and I am delighted to show it. I hope to see you all at the exhibition in St James's Church in Piccadilly next month too.

St James's Church Piccadilly shows A Graceful Death 27 March - 10 April 2012

2012-02-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

“SteveAs Christ Head After Death.” Oil on wood.24”x 24”

A Graceful Death

Anexhibition of paintings from the end of life By Antonia Rolls

Photographyand recordings by Eileen Rafferty, Poetry Workshops by Penny Hewlett

Exhibition at St James's Church, Piccadilly, W1J 9LL

Tuesday 27 March - Tuesday 10 April 2012

opening hours Mon - Sat 10am - 5pm, Sun 12.30pm - 5pm

Exhibition Opening 27 March 7-8.30 pm.

Poetry Workshops for all with poet Penny Hewlett on Thursday 29 and Friday 30 March, times to be confirmed.

You are all welcome. To the exhibition, the opening event and the poetry workshops. Come, see, talk, take part.

The A Graceful Death Story.

The First Stage.

A Graceful Death is an exhibition of paintings aboutthe death of my partner from liver cancer. I watched him move from a life which we took for granted, through theprocess of dying, to his death, within three months.

I was unable to put the experience of watching him dieinto a place that was safe and understandable. I photographed him with intensity and a passion that was beyond words before,during and after his death. It then tookme two years to commit the experience into these paintings. I had no interest in Steve as he was before thecancer started to change him; I was obsessed with his last few weeks, and onlywanted to remember him as he was then. Despitehis body seemingly unable to support the beating of his heart, and despite his struggleto keep breathing, his spirit did not give up. His breath kept coming, his hands kept moving; his body contained theparadox of life and death at the same time, and the strength of both these forceswas beyond my comprehension. This iswhat the A Graceful Death exhibition is about.

The day Steve died, I sat with him and saw the emptyhusk of a real, once powerful, man. Thedescription of a body as a shell or an empty container, is true. The power of life has gone and this is wherethe most pressing of all the questions begins: Where did he go? What happened?

This exhibition started with my story. I hid in my studio for two years trying tohide what I was painting. Those who stumbled onto the paintings however, lookedat them with recognition. This, they wouldsay, is like my mother, my father, my friend, my daughter. The images were already recognisable to thoselooking at them; I was not the only one to have suffered bereavement. And the images I surrounded myself with, werethe same images that many, many, others have kept in their minds and heartsfollowing the loss of someone through death. Some people cried, and the tears were a relief. It seemed that these images were powerfulenough to get us talking and to help us feel that we were not alone, andcertainly not mad. Some responses wereangry, and that was not a problem either. I had been very angry, and had written a prayer that was unequivocalabout God having conned me, and lied to me. I don’t feel like that now. Therewas space for anger too, and at no time did the feelings that we uncovered withthe paintings, feel too much. It was arelief to speak of our experiences and find we were able to understand eachother.

TheSecond Stage

The exhibition began with Steve, and his paintings arenow finished; but the story of everyone else is just beginning. Now, I paint otherpeople approaching death. Those eitherfacing the end of their lives, or who are undergoing treatment for a lifethreatening condition. I am including paintingsof Survivors in the exhibition; survivors of the bereavement process, and thosewho have survived a life threatening illness and are, for the moment, allclear. Alongside each painting are some words from the sitter, telling ussomething about them. Included in eachexhibition too are the poems that are created at the Poetry Workshops run byour A Graceful Death poet, Penny Hewlett, and poems sent in by people moved todo so by the exhibition. These aredisplayed on our Wall of Words. Eileen Rafferty, who takes all the A Graceful Death photographs and helps with each exhibition, is recording interviews with those sitting for paintings in the exhibition, and these will enhance their story. Neill Blume, a film maker, is creating a short film to show how the exhibition works, and some of the reactions of those who visit.

TheThird Stage

The exhibition is beginning to work alongside trainingprogrammes in palliative care. It is beginningto show alongside awareness raising events for end of life issues, and to bepart of a large and organised public debate on death and dying. I am showing theexhibition alongside speakers, workers and experts in palliative care, toeducate, encourage debate, and to start the conversation on what it means todie. In May 2012 the exhibition will show in a programme for Dying Matters week, alongside training events for palliative care professionals. In November 2012, A Graceful Death joins forces with Sheffield Universtiy to exhibit alongside seminars, discussions and lectures on end of life issues from the faculties of, amonst others, Medicine, Philosophy and Religion.

Conclusion

A Graceful Death exhibition is about the end of life,the way we die, and the process of our dying. It is also about educating people in the work that so many do to helppeople as they die, helping both professionally and as carers at home or in ourcommunities, and the ways in which we can understand the process of the end oflife better. We, who are not yet in thisposition, watch others go and know we too will follow at some point. It is important to know this and toacknowledge it. Our lives are finite,and it is certain that we will, whatever we feel about it, die. Once we have lost someone we love, death canbecome less fearful. It becomes easierfor most of us to speak the word death and to talk about dying. And having the dying live honestly amongst usis the best thing we can do for them, and they for us.

This exhibition is profound, raw, powerful andreal. Death and Dying areunforgettable. It is also about love,life, hope and the fact that Life, really, DoesGo On.

“AloneWith Tea” diptych that says that eventhough your heart is breaking, there is always Tea. And even if you hold your mug drooping atyour side, there is still comfort. Acrylic on wood.

antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com

Next Exhibition At St James's Piccadilly

2012-01-16T13:19:00.000-08:00

The next exhibition of A Graceful Death will be shown at

St James's in Piccadilly, London,

from March 25 to April 10.

You are all warmly invited and I look forward to seeing you there.

Eileen and I are beginning the process of arranging everything so that we can open with a proper Opening Night on the 25 March. During our time in St James's we will have poetry workshops by Penny Hewlett and possibly, if all goes well, related talks on end of life issues. There will be the book that Eileen has created of her photos of the paintings and of some of the exhibitions; this book will be for sale and the proceeds will go to the AGD fund for future exhibitions. We are showing the paintings in the gallery of the church, upstairs, and we have (as ever) much to do.

Much has been happening with this exhibition. There are plans to expand the way we show the paintings and the poetry. There is interest in showing A Graceful Death alongside training events taking place around the country on end of life issues. I am talking to various people about exhibiting in conferences and related events, giving an artistic approach to death and dying through the paintings, and helping those taking part in such training events to feel responses and to acknowledge and respect their own experiences of death and dying. The exhibition offers a profound emotional, personal and visual response to dying and the end of life, which works well with words and teaching. Penny Hewlett, our AGD poet, has helped to create some very strong poetry on aspects of death, dying and bereavement, from those who take part in her poetry workshops. This will help people to release some of their emotions through creativity.

I am hoping too, to have Felicity Warner come and talk at the St James's exhibition. Felicity is the founder of the Soul Midwife Foundation and is full of experience and understanding on what it means to die. Felicity's books are "Gentle Dying, A Simple Guide To Achieving A Peaceful Death", and "A Safe Journey Home". She is wonderful and inspiring to listen to, and makes so much sense. Felicity is very busy, and will come if she can, so here is hoping that it is possible.

As well as taking the exhibition to events and training programmes that have already been set up, I would love to create my own training and lecture programmes to show alongside and as a part of A Graceful Death. I have now met some very experienced and inspiring people who should be heard. They work on the front line with people in nursing homes, they own and run funeral companies, they work in hospices, they give spiritual support to the dying - it would be excellent and inspirational to have these people and more, to talk of their experiences and to teach us what it is like to do as they do. I finish this year in Sheffield in November, at the University. There, the paintings will be shown alongside seminars, talks, debates and lectures arranged by the University from the faculties of Medicine, Religion, Philosophy, English, for both the university and the public. I am very much looking forward to that too. I hope that Sheffield may show me how it can be done so that I can arrange my own lectures, talks and debates alongside the paintings. Very exciting!

And the paintings? I am preparing to paint Sarah Crawcour at the moment, who hates the word Survivor, and for that reason, she is not one. Sarah is an interesting lady to join the exhibition as she has three reasons to tell us her story. Sarah lost her partner a few years ago, and would not go to be with him as he died. She absolutely did not want to go and felt that she was not needed. Very good. How many of us have felt the same? We don't all want to be by the bedside as someone dies, we may very well run a mile. Sarah presents another approach. She is in recovery from breast cancer, and has very strong views on the jolly upbeat approach of breast cancer support which she thinks is not a jolly subject at all. It makes her angry and feel undermined. And Sarah has recently been operated on as her cancer returned and is now successfully through that unpleasant experience. Sarah is only 51 years old, full of energy and life. Her portrait and story will be very good for A Graceful Death because she did not do what everyone expects that they will do.

I keep my hospice work very separate from the exhibition work, but my goodness there are some glorious people in there. They could really tell us a thing or two about approaching death, and what it means to them. And as they become more ill, they have a fragile beauty that is painful at times. It highlights the miracle of life, it seems that they cannot support life in such a brittle body but they can and do. That is where I feel awe about the magic of life.

More on the exhibition, the paintings, and progress soon. It is all go here in Bognor where I live, onwards and upwards as we say.

Bognor From Birmingham With Added Poetry And Thoughts

2011-12-02T06:56:00.000-08:00

We finished the latest exhibition at 4pm in St Martin in the Bull Ring on Tuesday 29 November, with the final poetry workshop by the very excellent poet Penny Hewlett. It was a lively group of poets that gathered around Penny. The theme was Moving Away, a fitting end to some quite powerful and emotional workshops run by Penny, to fit in with the A Graceful Death themes of loss, bereavement, hope and life. This workshop was also powerful and emotional. It is inevitable, when anyone is asked to work on their experiences of grief and loss, and to celebrate the life of those who have died, that it isn't going to be just a jolly moment or two of recollection. Penny aims to get poetry out of the situation, and the work she encouraged from her workshops is very strong. There will be a small booklet of the poems when Penny gets them all together and printed. I for one, can't wait. I love the poetry and responses from those that take part in the exhibition. It is tremendously moving to read what people can write, and I always include any poetry in the exhibition as it tours.

So, Birmingham is done and dusted. I am home, with all the paintings and assorted AGD stuff back in the studio. Our next venue is the old and famous church St James's in Piccadilly, in mid March to about the 10 April. I will post more on that as we organise it.

Birmingham. What happened in Birmingham, and how did it go down? It went down well. I met some good people, and heard some interesting stories. I was there for the beginning, and there for the end, and realise that I really do need to be there all the time. The paintings and the words are powerful and moving, and it is not enough to leave people to move around in the exhibition without someone available to talk to. If either I or someone who understands the exhibition are not there, something is missing. I understood from this exhibition in St Martins, that the whole experience of AGD is the human contact. It is about the human condition of life, death and life again. To have lost someone, to have felt that grief and anger and bleakness, to have come through it all and to have survived the experience of bereavement is truly life changing. The paintings and poetry and prose in the exhibition touches us all again, and we resonate with the messages and images. We understand the whole thing, it relates deeply to our experience and that - that is where someone needs to be standing in the exhibition, ready to be a warmly human, and to listen and be there. If I could manage it, there would always be tea and cake for everyone to provide instant contact with the present, and to provide comfort. The exhibition acts and a sounding board for those who need to speak, it acts as a spring board for those who want to go away and do something about their feelings (I mean something healing, like poetry, praying, art, speaking, and so on). For the two weeks that I was not present at the exhibition, I feel that people may have found it difficult and confusing. But, Penny was there for her workshops over one of the Saturdays, and that has been very positive.

I am going to take a few weeks to assess the next steps for AGD. We are so very lucky to be showing over Easter at St James's in Piccadilly. Both Eileen and I want to make it a memorable time for everyone, and we hope to grow our ideas of workshops and related talks and discussions. Penny, our AGD Poet will be there. Eileen will have her films and recordings, and we hope that Neill Blume will have finished our film about the creative processes behind the exhibition, and the effects that it has on those who are being painted. Eileen and I have tentatively asked a wonderfully creative friend if she would consider doing some Dance and Drama workshops around the exhibition, and we have also asked our friend Stuart (who is painted in the exhibition alongside his wife Sue, and some of Sue's writings, before her suicide in 2008) to consider doing some work with us on the subject of suicide. Eileen is producing her book, and we hope to have that for the next exhibition. I have ideas too about asking certain people to give talks on subjects alongside AGD.

In the meantime, Eileen is coming to stay this weekend, and we have a working weekend ahead. We will be meeting with people who may be able to help us tomorrow, and on Sunday we are meeting the next person to be painted. We are having lunch with her, and Eileen will photograph her. We have done the interview, but may do another. This lady, Sarah, has not only survived bereavement, but has survived cancer too. She hates the word Survivor, so I won't use it for her. Her story and her thoughts are very interesting and a bit different - she is a strong lady.

I would like, before I go, to thank an extremely kind lady that I met on the Soul Midwife course. Her name is Storm, and she sent a donation to A Graceful Death on her return home, and has asked for us to come to Glastonbury where she lives. Thank you Storm, thank you! You are a star. And yes, we will come to Glastonbury and it will be lovely to see you again.

In the meantime, much to think about. But after another pot of tea and some more cake. And, Tuesday 29 November is Steve's anniversary. The exhibition came down on the anniversary of his death in 2007.

Resting In Motion At The Speed Of Light

2011-11-26T06:10:00.000-08:00

I am so proud of the A Graceful Death exhibition. So many people, too many to name here, are responsible for making it strong and simple, gracious and loving. It exists because there are those who have a huge heart and a strong mind. I include in this all those who help to transport, hang, catalogue, publicise and do workshops for the exhibition, and those who are painted and who tell their stories, and who write the poetry that is used. Having the expert and excellent Eileen Rafferty http://www.eileen-rafferty.com/2011/11/different-kind-of-truth.html on board as co-producer is another feather in the exhibition's cap. This link to Eileen's blog shows some small films that Eileen has made, where we discuss the latest paintings for A Graceful Death, which is on the subject of the suicide of Stuart Pryde's wife Sue.

But I am now moving in a different though parallel direction. I have taken on the job title of Soul Midwife, and have begun a journey that both thrills and terrifies me. I simply do not know how to do this job. And yet, it is quite simply the most important thing I have ever done. I have been on a course in Dorset with the wonderful Felicity Warner www.soulmidwives.co.uk, I have been inspired by the concept of graceful, gentle dying and the place of the Soul Midwife in working with those who are going to die, to create the best death that they can together. The idea behind the Soul Midwife movement seems to be very like the ideas behind the hospice movement, and the work of all the most influential palliative care pioneers. The beauty of the Soul Midwife is that we do not have to be trained medically or as a counsellor, we work alongside other professions and provide spiritual and emotional support. We listen, we support, we are not afraid. Many have other services such as reiki, healing, bach flower remedies, meditation to offer. Some are experienced in helping the dying person to reconcile differences within the family, some are wonderful with music and art, and can help to unlock thoughts and memories that need to be celebrated or acknowledged. The most important offering, I think, is a listening love. If only we start with this, the rest is just icing on the cake.

Where am I in this wonderful new world? Having done my course with Felicity, I am so far down the ladder as to be almost unable to see the starting rung. I have spent a week letting my thoughts settle after the course, and making myself do nothing. I can see how this work can be done, and I can see that it is so very important, but where on earth do I start? I am paralysed by the enormity of the task. How can I, with very little experience, possibly help another to die well? I know nothing. I know nothing. It is the other way round, it is me who will be saying, help me. I will be saying, will you help me to know what is going on as you die, will you teach me how to do this? I need to watch and wait, I need to go directly to the dying and learn from them. I cannot do this work yet, I have much to learn and a long way to go. So I have decided to start at the beginning. I need to learn. This new job as a Soul Midwife starts with some training at the front line. It is fine that I know nothing, it is not fine if I stay like that. So learn something. Ask someone. I am a Soul Midwife in Training. It is fine to take my time, in fact, it is essential. Maybe I will learn quickly and set myself up in no time at all. That would be wonderful; I cannot think of a more perfect job than that of a Soul Midwife. And maybe, I find that I do not learn quickly. Maybe I am someone who needs to sit at the feet of many many different people before I set myself up as a Soul Midwife. Or perhaps a third option, in that I do a bit of both. I don't know right now, I have not quite started.

Here is what I have done. I have contacted the Snowdrop Trust, a charity that cares for children in West Sussex (where I live) with life threatening and terminal illnesses, in their homes. I have asked to train as a volunteer, as their volunteers are highly trained and supported, and are not expected to do anything medical. I will, I am told, be doing fun things with the children alongside the Snowdrop Trusts doctors and nurses. A lady from the Trust is coming here to my home next week to go through it all with me. I volunteer already at my local hospice, where my role is to make teas and coffees and listen. And finally, just as I returned home from the course, I received an email from a lady who I admire tremendously. She is a highly intelligent, articulate and compassionate speaker on all subjects from palliative care to moral issues in the approaches to dying, legal issues at the end of life to matters around mental health. I have found her willingness to help me work out how to best produce the A Graceful Death exhibition over the years so helpful and insightful. Her email, received at 7.30am the morning after I returned from Felicity's course in Dorset, said that quite out of the blue she had been diagnosed with a possible terminal condition, and that everything in her life had been turned on its head. The most extraordinary thing, she said, is that the tests that found this dreadful illness, were routinely given for something else, and that she still felt very well indeed. And yet, she is extremely ill, and possibly has not got much time left. I asked her to come and see me as a friend, not in a professional capacity, and she did. The following morning she came for breakfast.

She is an extraordinary lady. It was a wonderful breakfast. We laughed, we ate, we spoke of life and death. And here, in my kitchen, is the person who can teach me how to be a Soul Midwife. She had agreed to talk me through her experiences and to be my teacher.

And finally, as the dust is settling, and I am making more sense of how to move forwards not only as a Soul Midwife but as an artist who is dedicated to producing the A Graceful Death exhibition as an ongoing Artistic contribution to the subject of death and dying and love, I am aware that the most difficult thing to overcome is my own lack of confidence. One of the bonuses of being a Soul Midwife is the contact with other Soul Midwives. We seem to care greatly about each other, and to offer a huge amount of support in all ways. I met and made contact with some wonderful people on Felicity's course, and am really, once I get over my confusion, in very good hands indeed. And that is what I want the people I work with to say of me, that they are in very good hands indeed.

Photos By Eileen Rafferty And A New Venture For Me

2011-11-14T10:17:00.000-08:00

A Graceful Death Exhibition

St Martin in the Bull Ring, Birmingham B5 5BB

Friday 4 November - Tuesday 29 November

Open Daily

Come and write your piece in the Memory Book in the exhibition. Write about you, write in poetry or prose. Say what you want. Tell us about who you remember.

These are some photos for you by Eileen Rafferty who has written of the exhibition in her excellent blog Photosynthesis - http://www.eileen-rafferty.com/2011/11/exhibition-graceful-death.html .

Steve in shadow, taken by Eileen as the sun was slowly setting.

The paintings of Stuart and his wife Sue Pryde. Sue killed herself in 2008 and this is an important work and comment on Sue's suicide. Written in the three smaller paintings are extracts from Sue's writings, her suicide note to the police (not her suicide note to Stuart) and her letter to Stuart on their wedding day. Sue is deeply missed and mourned by her husband and her friends.

We are very lucky indeed to have the services of Penny Hewlett, poet in residence at St Martin in the Bull Ring. Penny is taking poetry workshops on themes taken from the exhibition. These are a couple of photos from her first workshop.

Penny talking to a very interesting lady from her first workshop, on the subject of Facing Loss.

The same lady working on exercises in writing and thinking that Penny had set.

These are the hands of a poet, Jenna Plewes who has written the poem on death below. I am using this and at least two other poems of Jenna's for the exhibition. Jenna is a warm, intelligent lady who's hands Eileen has captured in her usual excellent way.

Beechwoods

Spring sunshine brings the beech leaves

to a simmering mouthwatering greenness

and the bluebells beneath are a long cool drink of blue.

I walk carefully, but leave a bruised path,

and so I stop, and let the blue green day sift down around me.

Inside a voice says “hold on to this, remember this,

remember this when the busy world reclaims you,

see still in your mind’s eye the blue and the green,

and the gentle sky.

Tomorrow I go to Dorset to start my training as a Soul Midwife with Felicity Warner. www.soulmidwives.co.uk.

I will be starting something that I am very keen to do. Until I start learning about it, I am reluctant to say very much. I am not trained to do anything professionally. I am not a medic, I am not a counsellor, I am not even trained as an artist. I know that I can help people who are dying, and I want to learn how to do it. As far as I can see, a Soul Midwife provides emotional and spiritual support for those who are dying, whether at the time of diagnosis or later on. A Soul Midwife will walk alongside someone at the end of their lives, helping to make the experience as easy as possible. I will learn how to listen, comfort, discuss, do things, and when the time comes if requested, to be present as they die. I will work alongside doctors and nurses, counsellors and other trained professionals, to make the experience of the end of life as good and peaceful as possible.

A Quiet And Profound Opening

2011-11-06T03:04:00.000-08:00

A Graceful Death Exhibition

St Martin in the Bull Ring, Birmingham B5 5BB

Friday 4 November - Tuesday 29 November

Open Daily

Come and write your piece in the Memory Book in the exhibition. Write about you, write in poetry or prose. Say what you want. Tell us about who you remember.

We opened A Graceful Death on Thursday 3 November, in the lovely old church St Martin in the Bull Ring in Birmingham. Eileen Rafferty, the photographer, photographed some of the paintings in situ, and photographed the poetry workshop which was held by Penny Hewlett, poet in residence at the church.

This is a small update for you, I will post another account with photos from Eileen next week. Our new works, Nushi Khan-Levy and Stuart and Sue Pryde, were received with interest. People were heartened by Nushi's image of Cancer Chic, and the account of her decision to live one day at a time. Her obvious beauty, even while undergoing chemotherapy, even while losing her hair and feeling so very ill, made people smile with recognition. If Nushi can do it, we can. And Stuart and Sue Pryde's story stunned a good few people. Very powerful, they said. It is very powerful, and the fact that some of Sue's words are displayed as part of the artwork, is very touching indeed. Sue has left behind an account of her decision to kill herself, which will start a profound discussion about suicide. Her writing is difficult to read, she is extremely articulate and holds nothing back. I have only used a fraction of it in the paintings, but what I have used is very good. Her husband, Stuart, is a brave man to allow this subject of his wife's suicide to be made into an art work to try and touch others who may be in the same situation.

I was very fortunate to meet at last, the Rev Al Barrett and his wife and children, who came to the exhibition on Friday morning. I know of Al through friends in Birmingham, and though we had corresponded, we had not met. Now we have, and very lovely it was too! I was touched by his and his wife's response to the exhibition. As a priest, Al has to deal with bereavement and the end of life. It never gets any easier, he says. He often doesn't know what to say, but just being there is all he can do sometimes. The painting that meant the most to him was the Tea And Hope Diptych. There is always, he says, just the simple act of making tea. Sometimes, that is all he can do. Al wrote a wonderful piece about the exhibition in his very excellent blog below.

http://thisestate.blogspot.com/2011/11/death-society-and-mundane-littleness-of.html?spref=fb

Tea And Hope Diptych. This is the painting that the Rev Al Barrett liked the most.

It is worth mentioning that Al's enchanting little son aged 3, when asked how Steve was feeling in one of the paintings, said without hesitation, Grumpy.

The poetry workshop was so moving and so excellent. Penny Hewlett ran quite a challenging session for us, and I recommend that you who can, go to Penny's other two workshops. They are

Workshop 2: Saying Goodbye    Saturday 12 November 11 am - 1pm (if you are coming to this workshop please bring some photos)

Workshop 3: Moving Away      Tuesday 29 November, talk 2.00 and Workshop 2.30 - 4.00 pm

Penny will be compiling a small book of all the poetry that is created from these sessions, which will be available at the next A Graceful Death exhibitions. To end today's update, I want to add a poem that Penny wrote in response to the painting below. It made me cry.

Letting Go

What do you see,

my love, as you sit in this bath

with bubbles and yellow ducks,

touches of life and loving kindness

in the midst of desolation?

What do you see,

from your tired eyes, heavy lidded,

No longer looking out at what

is all around you, the gentle hands

that hold you, wash you,

bringing you this gift,

last as it was first.

What do you see,

now the world is disappearing,

as your strength leaves you

and light no longer brings you

gifts of sight?

I see that you are leaving me,

even now, you who are the life

that breathes colour into my days.

I see that you have passed into shadow,

as even my touch slides like water

from your skin.

I see there are no hands

to hold me now, no last look

to say goodbye, though I say it

for us both, through the fierce

pain of separation.

Penny Hewlett

Stuart and Sue Pryde and Nushi Khan-Levy Finished Paintings

2011-10-30T02:47:00.000-07:00

A Graceful Death Exhibition

St Martin in the Bull Ring, Birmingham B5 5BB

Friday 4 November - Tuesday 29 November

Open Daily

Opening Event Thursday 3 November

2pm - 4pm

With

Poetry Workshop with Penny Hewlett

Poet in Residence at St Martins

from 2.30 - 4 "Facing Loss"

All Very Welcome and Tea and cakes for all

I have finished the paintings of Stuart and Sue Pryde. Sue committed suicide on 7 August 2008, leaving her husband Stuart bereft, confused and devastated. Stuart has worked with Eileen Rafferty, photographer and co-producer of the A Graceful Death exhibition, and me to produce these images and allow me to reproduce some of Sue's words and her suicide note. I have not used Sue's suicide note to Stuart, just the one she left for the police.

The image I have used for Sue is an image that Stuart came upon by accident, it was taken without her knowing only a few days before her planned suicide took place. The photo shows Sue without artifice, as she truly was at that moment with the knowledge of what she had planned and set up taking up all her thoughts. No one knew of her decision, and the photograph was just a quick snap of a friend on an uneventful afternoon. What it actually captured is evident in hindsight. Sue was withdrawing from the world, setting things in motion for her death and most of all, keeping it deeply secret. Who could have known? Taking this photo was the last image ever taken of her. Who could have known that within a few days she would have arranged her own death in a deeply thoughtful and precise way. Sue left no space for failure, she wanted to die and killed herself with gentleness, peace and deadly thoroughness.

Stuart loved his wife and loves her still. Eileen and Neill have both filmed him when he came here to discuss this work for A Graceful Death, and we were all struck at the depth of his love for her and for her love for him. But Sue had too many terrible demons in her mind, and nothing it seemed, could still them. Her own death was the only way out. Here are the paintings

Both Stuart and Sue loved gardening and these are the flowers that Stuart suggested for the paintings. The deep blue sky is a memory of the skies of Sue's childhood in Tanzania. Below are three smaller canvases that go in between Stuart and Sue

The words are Sue's suicide letter, some words from Sue's diary, and finally Sue's wonderful letter to Stuart on their wedding day. The text is set out below for you to read. It is very important that you read these words, Sue was articulate and amazing.

First Painting

To whom it may concern

I have taken 40mg of diazepam to decrease my anxiety, and some more (crushed) to depress my breathing and decrease my likelihood of convulsions. Some Tramadol simply because it makes me dizzy; around 6 units of alcohol and 30mg zoplicone. The helium is self-evident. There is no cry for help here; I do not intend to be found; I intend to die.

My plan is to have taken enough drugs and alcohol to fall into an unnatural sleep. Before I do so, I plan to turn on the helium in order to suffer oxygen deprivation and die. I am afraid of pain and do not want to suffer. I think and hope that this will be a peaceful way out for me.

I do not have a mental health problem, and I feel that I have made the decision to die as a rational choice given the nature of my life for the past 40 years. I have decided that I can’t tolerate my feelings of helplessness and disgust (for myself and the rest of the world) any longer.

I am not afraid of death

but I am afraid of dying. I have been waiting for the right time to do this for many years, and now it’s here, I look forward to just not being here anymore.

Should I be found alive, this will be a mistake on my part, because I intend to die. I ask that no attempt be made to resuscitate or treat my condition. I request that I be allowed to die. Should I end up unconscious and in hospital being treated, I request that I do not be treated in any way other than by being given

oral care. There is a Statement of Values attached here, and this document specifies the conditions under which I would like to live and die. If necessary, please revert to that document for guidance. I know it is unlikely that my organs will be of use, but I’m on the organ donor register all the same.

I offer my sincere apologies to the staff of Premier Inns, and in particular to the staff member who was unfortunate enough to find me. I hope that the anonymity that suited me

will help them to keep what has happened as an abstract concept that does not intrude too heavily on their life.

I would like to add that I did this entirely under my own steam. Stuart nor any other person has any knowledge of my plans. No person helped me in any way. No person or organisation that supplied me with equipment had any knowledge of my intentions, and I took great care to act in an appropriate manner when making purchases.

If I could somehow do this with making no impact on anyone’s life, I would. I am more sorry than anyone can know that I will make people look inside themselves to see what they did to drive me to this. I truly hope that those who know anything about suicide (either from experience or study) will know that this was a decision I made all by myself, and that nothing anyone could do was enough to keep me from this path.

The people I love most in this world are Stuart, Maureen and Tara. The rest are irrelevant to me.

Second Painting

If life is sacred, then we shouldn't have to drag it around like a death thing all our lives.

This is such an alone place to be. I don't choose to be here - I choose to be someplace else that no one else can understand unless they feel suicidal. It's cruel that ther is nobody to help me simply because suicide is such a taboo. A dying cat or dog can be cradled in its owners arms.

I see myself as being stuck with these terrible feelings for the last forty years, and when I think of just how long that is, I want to lie down and sleep forever because I'm so tired of it all, day after day of loathing. It makes me choke and vomit in the morning, each time I awaken and realise I'm still here. And that it won't end, and witll be the same until I run out of steam.

Third Painting

Sue’s statement on our wedding day, 26^th June 1998.

When we are done, and they see the pages of our life, bound and nestling together, I want them to turn to each other and say: “Theirs was a good book – such characters; what a story.”

Some will see the life and laughter; some the pain and death. Some will see God and love. But they’ll all know a good book when they see one.

And when I read our book, I want to read about all the laughter and all the pain; all the life and all the death; all the God and all the love, because a good book has it all.

We have built our castles and planted our trees, and I thank our God for what we have done together. If one of us dies today, we will have had a beginning, a middle and an end, and if we live to be a hundred it will be the same. I know that had our pages, our lives, not been set this way, we would not have found this love: Circumstance and coincidence have long ceased to explain our magic.

Nushi Khan-Levy

Re reading Nushi's notes taken when we discussed the painting, I realised that I had not painted Nushi's love of cherry blossom. I have taken out the yellow patterned halo, taken from a Hindu Goddess painting, which did not really suit Nushi, and replaced it with a softer more sympathetic cherry blossom halo. Nushi is still a goddess, she is warmer and softer with this pink colour and style. I have improved her eyes, and I have painted in the lower right hand corner, the small cut glass perfume bottle that she talked of. If, she said, she could distill all the moments of love and understanding, the close and intimate moments of empathy and kindness, shared with her husband during her illness and treatment, she would put them into a beautiful perfume bottle so that when she is better, and life has returned to normal, she can dab a little of that perfume on each morning to remind her of how close they were.

This image below, is taken by Eileen Rafferty, the official photographer and co producer of A Graceful Death.

So now, come to the exhibition if you can. You are all welcome, and write in the Memory Book all that you want. I will be there for the opening on Thursday and for Friday morning, and then on the 28 and 29 November for the closing prayer and poetry workshop with the amazing Penny Hewlett.

Painting And Preparing For Birmingham In November

2011-10-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

A Graceful Death at St Martin in the Bull Ring, Birmingham B5 5BB

Friday 4 November - Tuesday 29 November Daily

Opening Event with Poetry Workshop by Poet in Residence Penny Hewlett on Thursday 3 November, in the church.

Amazing how time flies. I first planned this Birmingham exhibition over a year ago, and thought it was always too far away to worry about. And now, it is here. The exhibition opens at the end of this month. I am getting everything ready, including the following items -

I am developing Nushi Khan Levy's portrait a little. When I read the notes we took when we interviewed her, there were references that she wanted to her life which I had missed. I have given her a cherry blossom type halo now, and have put in the pretty perfume bottle that she said would represent the closeness she felt with her husband during her chemotherapy treatment. If she could distill these precious moments, she said, and put them in a bottle of perfume, she would dab a little on her wrists every day later when she was well. There are a few more touches I want to add, like leaves. And more words.
Painting Stuart and Sue's portraits has begun. For some reason, Sue has turned out smaller than Stuart. They are facing each other in profile, with a bright blue sky behind them. I will add flowers and plants that meant a lot to both of them, and see what happens. Already I want to add a golden outline to Sue. The photo I am using is the last one of her, taken a few days before she carried out her planned suicide, which is leaving me feeling very sad. I like her face, though it is not very easy to see in this photo. I like her, and I want to do something that says she is special. Stuart is coming on very well. He is blessed with a face that is very easy to see. Some people have features that seem to merge into each other and the face, and thus are hard to distinguish. Stuart does not have this problem, his is a face I can do!
Penny Hewlett's poem May Remembrance needs to be re written and re presented. I have not done it justice, and so, will do it again.
I am writing the prayer I wrote after Steve died on a larger piece of canvas. The original is on a block of wood and is difficult to read. Possibly because I was so disgusted with God when I wrote it. But I want the words to be read clearly; we are often very angry when someone we love dies, and want to tell God in no uncertain terms what we think of the whole thing. It is part of the experience of loss.

Poetry Workshops During the Exhibition by Penny Hewlett

St Martin in the Bullring has a poet in residence. Penny Hewlett is a fine poet and a deeply thoughtful lady, very experienced in many areas of life and living, and dedicated to her craft. I am so lucky to have Penny to take poetry workshops for the A Graceful Death exhibition, and these are the dates and times -

Workshop 1: Facing Loss    Thursday 3 November: opening 2.00 pm and workshop 2.30-4.00pm
Workshop 2: Saying Goodbye    Saturday 12 November 11 am - 1pm (if you are coming to this workshop please bring some photos)
Workshop 3: Moving Away      Tuesday 29 November, Talk 2.00, Workshop 2.30 - 4.00 pm

I hope to see you all for the opening on Thursday 3 November, where we will not only have Penny's first workshop on Facing Loss, we will have tea and cake. Perfect.

Birmingham Next. Come And See Us There.

2011-10-05T05:31:00.000-07:00

So now the next exhibition is full steam ahead. Here are the dates and times for your diaries -

A Graceful Death Exhibition next at

St Martin in the Bullring

Birmingham B5 5BB

November 4 - November 29

opening times to be confirmed - approx 9 am to 4.30 pm

Opening Celebration - all welcome -

Thursday 3 November

2pm - 3.30pm

Tea and cakes for everyone and

poetry workshop run by Poet in Residence Penny Hewlett.

Come and meet us, see the paintings and write in our Memory Book

Eileen Rafferty, my dear photographer friend, is now officially on board and is part of the A Graceful Death exhibition. She has always done so much for it, always been behind the scenes giving her time and expertise and being indispensable in every way. I am delighted to have her officially a part of A Graceful Death. Though Neill Blume is making us a film of A Graceful Death, how the exhibition works and what it all means, (ready by the end of this year), Eileen will also be providing a separate small film and sound track to show alongside the paintings, complimenting Neill's work and approach. Eileen also is the official AGD photographer and will be publishing many of her works in an A Graceful Death book at the end of this year. The book will be on sale at our next exhibition at St James's in Piccadilly, over Easter 2012.

We are very lucky indeed to have the services of St Martin's Poet in Residence, Penny Hewlett. Penny will be leading three separate poetry workshops within the A Graceful Death exhibition, working with concepts that affect us at the end of life. The first workshop will run during the Opening on Thursday 3 November, 2 - 3.30pm. I will let you know more as Penny lets me know her themes. There will be a workshop mid exhibition, dates when I know them, and at the end of the A Graceful Death's time in St Martin's. Penny will run her final poetry workshop at the closing ceremony on November 29 between 2 - 3.30pm.

I also hope to show work by the artist Stevan Stratford. Stevan is the artist in residence at St Barnabas Hospice in Worthing, West Sussex. He is very intrigued by the themes of 'There and Not There'. Stevan has a small installation piece that is both deeply thoughtful and deeply intriguing. I hope to show it in Birmingham, more on that later.

For this new exhibition, I am showing the paintings of Nushi Khan-Levy, who is so interesting to film and to paint. She is painted looking very glamorous, doing what she called Cancer Chic despite the effects of her chemotherapy treatment. She is an articulate and powerful lady! I am also painting the portraits of Stuart and his wife Sue for this exhibition. Sue killed herself, leaving Stuart utterly bereft. Sue also left some very powerful accounts of her decision to die, and has left us with no doubt that she could not do otherwise. Her accounts are moving, tragic and deeply brave. No amount of her love for her husband Stuart, can make his life now any easier. Stuart struggles to live on without her, and his decision to be painted with Sue, and to use some of her words for the exhibition, is brave and strong. I know Sue will touch others and will open up a conversation on the dreadful pain of suicide.

More Dates For Your Diaries

With each showing there is more work. I will paint more paintings, the public will send in more poetry for which I am incredibly grateful. Penny Hewlett has agreed to come to London to run poetry workshops there and Eileen Rafferty's book of her photography around the A Graceful Death exhibition will be on sale. Neill Blume's film of A Graceful Death, what it means and interviews with various participants in the exhibition, will also be showing and copies will be available for sale too.

A Graceful Death will be showing at St James's in Piccadilly, London over Easter 2012.

Tuesday 27 March - Tuesday 10 April 2012.

A Graceful Death will be showing at Sheffield University, Sheffield for three days in November 2012 as a public engagement event aimed at exploring and debating end-of-life issues using perspectives from University of Sheffield research, art and poetry.

More on these engagements nearer the time.

In the meantime, if you want to contact me about this exhibition, please do so. I am available on antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com

See you in Birmingham on Thursday 3 November for the Opening of A Graceful Death, from 2pm - 3.30pm.

An Act Of Love

2011-09-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

I watched my beloved elderly Aunt talking yesterday, and the way the light fell through the window onto her face. At 85, she finds recovering from her ill health more and more difficult; her time is precious but she is still strong willed and beautiful. I saw how tiny she had become, and I saw the way her brown eyes looked large in a face that had always been beautiful but was now ethereal, painfully thin and utterly exquisite . If I could paint you, I thought to myself, how would I do it? If I had you in front of me, as you are now, and my paints, how would I see you?

She moved her tiny hands with grace as she talked softly and slowly. Her hair, smooth and soft, shone in the sunshine that lit her pearl necklace and earrings . When I was about 10 years old, watching my Aunt apply her make up as she sat on the floor in front of her mirror on the coffee table, made me long to do that too for the rest of my life. I wanted to paint my eyes with brown eyeliner and put on green eyeshadow. I wanted to wear a pretty under-slip and sit cross legged on the floor in the morning and put heated rollers in my hair, wearing pink lipstick. I wanted to do everything she did and be as breathtakingly beautiful as this wonderful Aunt.

Oh how I love this brilliant, talented, funny, lady. How her grandson and all of her many nephews and nieces do. As I watched her skin catching the sunlight, as I saw how deep her eyes had become, and as I admired the softness of her now white hair, I realised that every brush stroke I applied to a painting of her, would be an act of love. An act of love to capture the pleasure her beauty has always given me, to capture the wit and fun of her nature, to capture the wonder that is her.

When I paint someone for A Graceful Death, there too each brush stroke is an act of love. Though I do not know my sitters as I know my Aunt, the love and respect I feel for each person who contributes to the exhibition is the same. Watching my Aunt yesterday, gazing at her face and tiny form, I longed to do her justice. That, I think, is how I feel about all my paintings for A Graceful Death. I long to do justice to the life and the power of the person I am painting. I am in awe of the power of life, in awe of the mystery and extreme power of death, and am deeply touched by the journey that my sitters are undertaking. When I paint Stuart who is alive, and his wife Sue who is not, for the November A Graceful Death in Birmingham, I will want to honour not only Stuart who is living and making his future painfully day by day, but also Sue who by ending her own life has taken a most powerful and traumatic step and cannot and must not ever be forgotten. I will want to honour them together and apart, as I want to honour the journey of Nushi who I have just painted. Nushi has undergone cancer treatment and is changed in a way that is not only powerful, but deeply meaningful for the rest of her life. In fact, looking at the painting of Nushi (which has appeared in an earlier blog called Cancer Chic), it is not quite ready. There is more to do to it, and I know what I will do. More on that when it is done.

If I was to paint my Aunt, I would paint my love of her and my gratitude for all that she is and was and means to me. I would attempt to capture her soul before it slipped away. Perhaps any painting for A Graceful Death is about capturing the soul before it is gone. Perhaps each painting I do is about glimpsing the soul before it moves on to wherever it goes next, about honouring the extraordinary now-ness of life before it becomes death, and painting the vulnerablitly and awe of the human condition.

I will not paint my Aunt for this exhibition. She would not like it and I would not ask. But I may paint her anyway, just because she is so important and I would regret it forever if I did not. I will keep the painting with me for private viewing as a tribute to the love we have for one, single, private, funny, utterly beautiful lady, our Aunt.

.A Graceful Death is an exhibition that speaks of the power of dying. It speaks of the power of life. It changes and develops and follows a path that is about love and mystery and survival and death and always back to love again. And alongside the paintings are words, words from those who are being painted, words from those who are taking part and words from those who just want to be heard. I sat with my Aunt yesterday, as frail and tiny as a whisp of mist, and it is interesting that it is not my Aunt that wants to be heard today, it is me.

Cancer Chic

2011-09-13T06:12:00.000-07:00

Finally, the painting of Nushi Khan Levy is done. I have Nushi's agreement to show it so now we can all say Wow Nushi, so this is Cancer Chic! You do it so well.

Nushi is full of colour and life. She is also fragile and changing her life. This painting, along with some text from our interview with her is now ready for the next exhibition in Birmingham in November 2011. The venue for that will be St Martin in the Bullring, and the Opening Party is probably going to be Thursday November 3 in the evening. I will confirm everything when I have all the details. It will be very soon, I have a list stretching the entire length of the studio of things to do, people to phone, arrangements to be made. I shall love showing Nushi there. I also hope to have Stuart and Sue Pryde finished for November. If you remember, Stuart came to stay from Scotland in order for Eileen and me to work with him on a work that remembers his wife Sue, who killed herself three years ago in August. It feels very important to have Stuart and Sue ready to exhibit with Nushi.

Two important developments for A Graceful Death -

1. Eileen Rafferty (www.eileenrafferty.blogspot.com) is now officially a joint exhibitor. Eileen has been with the exhibition from day one, and does so much for it. Her photographic work is invaluable for AGD and recently she has been adding sound and moving image to her portfolio. She will be contributing her own work photographically, with sound, and with the moving image to work alongside the paintings. I am so relieved. Eileen is such a good artist!

2. AGD is going to show in St James's in Piccadilly next year, 2012. I am so excited about this. It has been suggested that the exhibition starts on Passion Sunday and runs through to Easter Day. The symbolism is profound. The most painful and important part of the Christian calender is the time leading up to Easter. It is a time to remember how Christ died and why, and is full of reflection on the end of life. Christ's passion, as it is called, is the story of his death by crucifixion, including the despair of the days leading up to his arrest and his knowledge of all that he had to endure. During this time of Lent, we remember our mortality and the hope of life after death which is symbolised with the Resurrection of Christ on Easter Day. It is fitting that the exhibition will be taken down on Easter Day. I am honoured that St James's in Piccadilly is allowing A Graceful Death to show at this incredibly sensitive and important time for Christians. Thank you to Lucy Winkett, the Rector, and the Church council that have agreed to go ahead with it.

I am starting work on Stuart and Sue Pryde by the end of this month, and will post the paintings on here, subject to Stuart's approval, when I have done them. So now, I had better tackle that list that seems to be growing in front of my eyes, and get, as they say, the show on the road.

AGD and Suicide

2011-09-05T04:27:00.000-07:00

This last week Eileen Rafferty, the Photographer www.photosynthesis.blogspot.com came to stay so that we could work together on the A Graceful Death projects, paintings and interviews. It was always going to be a strong week, it was always going to be hard work as we did not have an easy subject to explore.

Stuart Pryde came to stay from Scotland so that we could work with him on how to represent his wife's suicide for A Graceful Death. Stuart took a hell of a risk. This was a long journey to take, it was not a subject that is easy to talk about, and Stuart is a private and gentle man, who does not, I think, tell people his life story unless he knows them very well. Eileen and Stuart were friends at University in Aberdeen, and though I was at the same University, I was far too arty and badly behaved to know Stuart. I did however, know Eileen. (Who was not badly behaved).

Stuart spent Tuesday until Thursday with us here in Bognor and gave us his story. I have no experience of suicide, I don't know what it is about. Stuart lost the love of his life three years ago last August and is still struggling to find a way through his loss. His wife Sue was, by all accounts unforgettable. A powerful force for good, a deeply intelligent and troubled person, with a history of dreadful personal pain and possibly, deep deep depression by the end. What makes Sue's suicide so extraordinary is that she wrote everything that she felt, did and wanted to do in an account that is lucid and touching in a way that I cannot describe. She loved Stuart, that is obvious throughout her accounts. But she hated herself. She planned her suicide with meticulous and tender detail right down to the care she took to make her dying gentle and loving. Stuart is living with this bereavement. He is living with the what ifs, the maybe if I had done something, the I didn't know. Stuart talked from his heart with dignity and pain, and love and sadness, and hopelessness and darkness and always back to love again.

I have a painting of Sue and Stuart to do, I have text to use as part of the painting. Eileen filmed and photographed our sessions in the studio and on Thursday morning Neill filmed a powerful and forthright interview of Stuart talking about where he is now in his thoughts and mind.

On the Thursday evening after we had said goodbye to Stuart as he travelled back up North, Sarah Crawcour came to do a session in the studio. Sarah has had cancer three years ago. A year before she was diagnosed with breast cancer, her partner died. Sarah's account of her illness following the loss of her partner is something that I want to use for AGD. Two very important points that Sarah makes are that she objected passionately to the pinkification of breast cancer, with the pink ribbons and pink folders for her papers and the relentless upbeatness of the people around her. Sarah is all for positive thinking, but felt that she wanted to scream and shout and say that her cancer is not pretty, not pink, nor easy to deal with. This is her thinking, she knows the pinkness works for many women. And the second thing is that when she got the call to say that her partner was fading fast, she absolutley did not want to go to his bedside. That she would never have got there in time is not relevant, I am really taken with Sarah's instinctive conviction that she simply would not go and see him die.

What Sarah offers I feel, is another side of the experience of being bereaved. Not everyone wants to go to the death bed. Not everyone can do it. And Sarah offers a very good and powerful account of why she didn't want to be soothed by the pinkness, she calls it, of breast cancer treatment and awareness.

The painting I want to do of Sarah is going to be different, I think. It may be black and white. Sarah suits the strength of black and white. We did not film Sarah, but Eileen did photograph her and we did a very good interview.

So now. Off to work. I have much to do, and a possible visit next week to Sheffield to visit the University in order to show the A Graceful Death exhibition at some point. It would have to be in 2012 as this year is moving on so fast, and Birmingham is coming up where the exhibition will be showing for the whole month of November in St Martin in the Bullring.

So now, a big thank you this week to

Eileen

Stuart

Sarah

and to Neill for filming on Thursday.

Thank you.

Reflections and Distance. AGD Moves On.

2011-08-30T03:06:00.000-07:00

This blog has been quiet these past few months. The last exhibition was in Manchester, the last big thing was the making of the film. I had work to do, and paintings to paint, and exhibitions to organise. I became exhausted and I think you will all say And? We could have told you that would happen. I did become exhausted and had to put this exhibition down for a while. When you are so very deeply involved with making paintings, writing writings and showing shows, you can become lost in it and I became lost. And so, I put it all down and closed the door. I put all the paintings in bubble wrap, turned them to the wall, avoided this blog and tried not to panic. If I am not doing the AGD, I said to anyone who would listen, it will not exist. Patience, they all replied. It is time to rest. You are not being sensible. It won't go away, it will wait for you to gather your strength and your senses, and it is time to stop.

If it is possible to feel grief for an exhibition, I believe I felt it. This whole thing, the A Graceful Death started at a time of terrible loss and sadness. I think I put all of my feelings into the paintings, into the production of each exhibition, and each time, I felt I had made a difference. Each time I thought Yes. This works because we all share the same story and we all share the same experiences. Dying happens to us all and somehow I can paint it. I want to paint it. I want to paint the end of life, what it looks like, what it feels like for us to watch and most of all to paint a person at the edge of death who is still here. Look! I am still here! I am alive and I look like this and I am still here! Putting the exhibition down and leaving it alone has made me anxious, afraid, lonely and worried that I can't do it any more. I have done the right thing though. I have come back to it with a calmer, fresher mind and I am astonished that not only did I have to leave it alone for a few months, but that I could not see it coming. And though I have been reflecting quite painfully on what I am doing, and full of doubts and anxiety, I am aware that I love this exhibition and the work I am doing so very much, that I must be careful to keep myself strong. I am not dealing with easy stuff. I am not making paintings that you can take or leave. I am not sitting with people who are in a good place and often there is more pain and distress around my subjects than I can imagine. And I am a jolly, fun loving upbeat kind of person. Something had to give, and so it did and I have been away from this exhibition for a good two months.

But! Here is what I have been doing while reflecting and being out of the studio -

I am volunteering at my local hospice. Mainly I make tea for anyone and everyone, and see what happens. I love being there, and love how the nurses do their job. Amazing stuff.
I am going to meet Felicity Warner next week (www.soulmidwives.co.uk) and see if this is for me. It may well be, I have no training at all. No counselling/bereavement training, no medical training, not even art training. (I didn't go to art school). This meeting with Felicity may be where I can do something practical. I have spoken with Felicity and liked her very much on the phone. I will see her in the first week of September.
I have nearly finished the painting of Nushi Khan Levy. I will post it here when I have tweaked it a bit. I need to show Nushi first too, to check she is happy with it.
This week Eileen (photographer and friend extraordinaire) is staying. Together we are working with a very brave and sad man who is coming from Edinburgh to stay here, to discuss how we can paint the story of his wife for the next exhibition. His wife killed herself and we are working now on the subject of suicide.
I am meeting another lady this week with a view to including her in the exhibition as not only is she a young widow, but she is a cancer survivor. What she has to say will be very interesting.
I put some ads in the the mainstream media, and have been contacted by a newspaper for a possible interview. Hope that happens, fingers crossed.
The film! We are going to start editing it soon, and will present a much smaller film than we first thought. This is another learning curve - we have to start small and work our way into big. Hollywood next time. It will be a great film though, just much shorter.
Sheffield University is interested in hosting the A Graceful Death exhibition. I will be going up there to talk it over in September
St James's in Piccadilly is still on the cards for Easter next year, 2012.
AGD goes to Birmingham in November, to the St Martin in the Bullring church and for that, I will be doing workshops with the wonderful poet Penny Hewlett. I will show Nushi, and I hope the paintings of Stuart and his wife Sue, who killed herself. And maybe Sarah, the young widow and cancer survivor.
My friend, the artist and artist in residence at St Barnabas House Hospice in Worthing, Stevan Stratford, is joining the exhibition in Birmingham with one of his thoughtful and lovely pieces on "being here and not being here". I am so delighted that he has agreed to add one of his own deeply intelligent pieces to AGD.
And finally - Eileen is producing a book for AGD , full of her insightful photography and prose. This is a very good thing. Eileen is no lightweight, her work is excellent and her standards high. I can't wait.

So now, with a calmer mind and a fresher approach, I will do the next stage of the A Graceful Death exhibition. I have even found a quartet of young lads who sing and play the guitar so beautifully that I am plucking up courage to ask if they will play for the opening and closing nights at the AGD exhibitions. More on that as it unfolds.

To end, I will tell you what my dream for AGD is.

To exhibit in St Pauls Cathedral, with enormous reproductions of Eileen's photos placed free standing around the paintings. To have Verdi's Requiem playing and to have our film showing in a separate space. To have a new section of paintings and words on surviving bereavement and what really happened to each person taking part (bereavement sometimes makes you act in a wholly outrageous way. What did people really do and think?) and a section of paintings and words from those who are at the last stages of their lives. Verdi's Requiem will certainly keep people on their toes. I want hundreds of people to come and take part, write in the Memory Book and to tell their stories. I want people to write poetry and ponder. Oh and I want tons of tea and cakes and places to sit. All in St Pauls, all in the aisles, and I want lovely flowers and scented candles too. And perhaps to film the whole thing.

Blimey. I don't want much, do I?

Will You Help This Exhibition?

2011-07-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

Will You Help This Exhibition?

A Graceful Death needs help from all of you. I am painting again now, and creating more works to add to the next exhibition which will be in Birmingham in November 2011. With each showing, the exhibition gets bigger and there is more to do. Will you help?

This blog has told the story of what I am doing, of what the exhibition means, how it started and the problems it encountered at first. I started in 2009 with the very first exhibition of A Graceful Death, and there is much history in this blog for you to read. You can see the paintings themselves on the top right of this blog, there is a small slide show. You can read of the trials and successes of this exhibition and see how people react to it.

I need your help though, I need you to come on board. It is a wonderful exhibition and the work is piling up. You can help by -

Donations to the costs of running the exhibition. I make no money at all doing A Graceful Death, and charge nothing for the work I do nor for the creation of each exhibition at each new venue. I hope for my costs to be covered and generally they are, but the administration, the organising, the transport, the printing of invitations, the catering, the paperwork, the following up of individuals who want to be painted and the actual painting of the pictures (include in that the wood that I work on, the paints, the time, the travel time to see and interview them) and the costs of Neill filming new people and all that goes with it - all this I have to find the money for. I do receive such generous help from those who can donate money to the exhibition and all the costs associated with it, and I am very grateful, but the costs are constantly ongoing. Once I have finished one exhibition, the next has to be planned, organised and more work created. There is a dedicated bank account for A Graceful Death for this exhibition only. Please donate to AGD. My email address for you to contact me is antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com
Donate services or time to helping with the maintainance and creation of exhibitions. I have been amazed at the kindness and dedication of those who have donated services such as accountancy help, such as transport help, such as providing a venue for free. Can you help with time or a service? Services such as PR - helping to spread interest and understanding in the exhibition and the subject of the end of life expressed through art, help with marketing - interest people, organisations and fund raising bodies in funding and helping AGD. Do you want me to give talks, with or without the paintings, on the end of life and art? Do you want me to talk on the exhibition itself? Help with finding and supporting the exhibition in a new venue, help with contacting new people and organisations that may be interested in the A Graceful Death exhibition and what it stands for. It stands for the opening up of a much needed and deeply longed for conversation of what it means to die and to be bereaved. It does this through the medium of painting, poetry and film. And also help with fund raising - can you raise funds for AGD? Are you good at finding funds from various bodies and organisations? Can you help AGD to secure some funding?
Are you able to take part? Are you at the end of your life and do you want to donate yourself and your story through painting, prose and film? Are you, or do you know of anyone, who may be interested in taking part in the AGD exhibitions? I visit and talk with those who want to take part, to discuss what we can do and what image to create. I like to take notes so that I can reproduce your story to show with the paintings, and at no time is there any pressure to continue if you feel it is not for you. The paintings are shown only if you agree. If you are interested then email me and I will contact you back. antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com
Are you a Survivor? Have you survived the grieving process and want to be painted and say something? Are you still in the grieving process and want to take part? Have you survived a terminal illness or are you taking each day as it comes with a terminal illness? Would you like to be painted and can you offer anything by your experience to AGD? antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com

This exhibition and this work is my passion. It comes from my heart and soul and I am moved to do these paintings, record these words and show you that we can face the subject of the end of life, and what it means. I don't find it easy though, despite loving the work I do, and I am moved by the people taking part. My next paintings include the lovely Nushi Khan Levy who is recovering from cancer, work with an articulate and brave man called Stuart who lost his wife to suicide, and with a lady who does not like the word Survivor, so I won't use it on her - Sarah has come through both cancer and the loss of her partner. I am also very honoured to be able to exhibit the work of a very talented and deeply modest artist friend, Stevan Stratford, who is the artist in residence of a hospice here in West Sussex. Stevan has much experience and a wonderful way of expressing his art. All this will be exhibited at St Martin in the Bullring church in Birmingham in November.

I am very grateful for your input and help. Contact me, and I will call or email you back. Thank you.

antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com

Will You Join The A Graceful Death Exhibition?

2011-06-30T02:28:00.000-07:00

New Paintings And New Interviews Required

A Graceful Death is now a well known and wonderful exhibition. It makes a big impression on those who come to see it, and those who help it to move around the country. The paintings are full of love, enquiry and passion. The love is a response to the power of the human spirit at the end of life. The love is for those who are dying and for those who are left behind, watching. The love is for the helplessness of approaching death and the loneliness of the person who will die. And of course, the love started for me, with the death of my partner Steve. I am still loving Steve through the work with everyone in A Graceful Death.

The enquiry is about the process of ending a physical life. How on earth does this happen, and what is it about? It is what we will all do, we will all be dead one day, and we will all have to approach our death somehow. What is it all about? How does the body fold up and die, what is this thing called Life and when it has left a person, where does it go? This enquiry is about the most important part of our life, the ending of it.

And passion? That is the art. That is the medium in which I am trying to explore this phenomenon. I am a painter and my way of searching, looking, asking and presenting my enquiries, is through painting. I paint with astonishment, looking at those who I paint for the exhibition with such curiosity, such a wish to understand, such admiration.

I am a talker too. I am making a film with my colleague Neill Blume, and I want to hear what those who are in the exhibition have to say. I am intrigued by what they have to say - what is happening to them? How are they feeling about dying? Those that are bereaved and have watched someone else die, what happened to them in their bereavement? I want to talk about dying, the end of life, the personal journey of each one of those who are in the exhibition and more. I want to discover everything, I want to paint it, record it, and I want all of us to talk about it. I want all of us to want to know too.

A Graceful Death is a wonderful exhibition. It is expanding and more people are coming forward to take part and to be painted, interviewed and written about. I am oh so thrilled with this. This exhibition has dealt with death through illness, is dealing with death through suicide, has been approached to deal with the death of a stillborn child, is dealing with death through old age. I am open to work with anyone who feels that they can play a part in A Graceful Death.

If you are, or are with, someone on the journey towards death, and want to join the exhibition then please contact me. Each person who I work with in the exhibition is different. Each person has their own story and an image that suits just them. Talk to me. We will do what is best for your story. If you are working through a bereavement and want to be a part of A Graceful Death, talk to me. I would like to paint you as you really are, I would like for you to be as sad or recovered or mad or lonely or OK as you really are. When Steve died, I was mad. My behaviour was totally off the wall, and I have not found anything like it in any text book on grief and bereavement anywhere. I painted myself in that state too.

Your stories and your images are part of the wider exhibition which aims to make it safe and possible to talk about dying. I have found that those who come to the A Graceful Death exhibition and who have experienced the death of someone, wears that experience like a mist around them. Not unlike childbirth; once you have children, the world changes and you see things differently for ever. When I had my children, I remember feeling that no words could ever have prepared me for the enormity of what had happened. But other parents understood, and it was all I could talk about for years. I was turned inside out by the whole process of birth, babies, the changes in my body and mind, the pains, the fears, the bonkers idea that I could create new people. Tiny needy wonderful babies that never gave me a moment to rest or think or even recover.

The experience of dying is as powerful. It is where we need to find space to talk and make it reasonable so that when we do it, it is not an anonoymous and unspeakable journey.

If you want to talk about taking part, please email me.

antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com

Hiram Burnett.
His daughter Cecil found him impossible to like but loved him as he died.

A Graceful Dying. Waiting in the Hospice

Alone Triptych. All that is left is a pair of slippers. I painted this of myself when I was in a dreadful mess.

Anne and Peter Snell. Peter wanted to be in the A Graceful Death exhibition to help others by his dying, but didn't live to see this finished picture.

Dancing Steve Out Of Life. He is pulling away as we dance into the future

Survivor. I have survived the grieving process. I need nothing in this painting but the colours, there is no indication that I have come through except the bright warm colours around me.

Talk to me. I want to hear from you.

Strawberry Fairy, Bathtime Angel And More - Fund Raising Sale This Weekend In Wimbledon

2011-05-17T03:32:00.000-07:00

www.antoniarolls.co.uk for my website
www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for the Jesus on the Tube website
www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis

Fruit and Veg Fairies, Mood Angels and Handmade Earrings at Art Sale

Fund Raising for A Graceful Death project and film

Angels, Earrings, Fairies and Cakes by

Antonia Rolls

Strawberry Fairy. 5" x 7"

You are warmly invited to a weekend sale of Paintings, Prints and Handmade Earrings

Wine and Tea and Cakes

Red Pointy Pepper Fairy 5x7" Dark Angel 5x7" Calm Angel 5x7"

Saturday May 21 10am - 9 pm to

Sunday May 22 10am - 9 pm

127 Worple Road, Wimbledon SW20

Bath Angel 5 x 7"

Sale in aid of the A Graceful Death projects, the Film and the Exhibition.

www.agracefuldeath.blogspot.com for more information

I aim to have this sale of Angels and Fairies and fun things while also displaying the latest information about the A Graceful Death exhibition and film. The weekend is about having fun with all of you, with colour, fun, wit and humour, alongside the serious business of raising funds for the A Graceful Death exhibition and film.

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The A Graceful Death Film Project -

Making a film of the effect an exhibition of paintings of death and the end of life (A Graceful Death, paintings from the end of life) has on those who are involved in the works, and those who come to experience them at exhibitions. Showing how the exhibition is created and broadcast, and hearing what those who love it say, and those who don't love it, say. And very significantly, showing how it feels to paint a sitter as they approach the end of their life, or as they face an uncertain future. A section of the exhibition shows Survivors too, those who have come through illness, or the bereavement process, and are living again.

Click on the link below to see our video and to hear more and to donate to this important work.

http://www.wefund.co.uk/project/graceful-death-film

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It will be great fun this weekend. I will be at my dear friend Clarissa's lovely Wimbledon home, where the second showing of the A Graceful Death exhibition was held last year. We are very much looking forward to seeing you all, and there will be many Angels and Fairies for you to choose from. And if you don't see what you want, or if you have a fab idea for a painting, tell me and I will paint it and send it to you.

The A Graceful Death project, by which I mean the exhibition and the film, is being considered by St James's Church, Piccadilly. I am going to meet the Rector this Thursday to talk it over. This would be excellent. St James's is an inspiring church, it seems to want absolutely everyone to be welcome and to take part in its life. There is a daily market outside its doors too, which I like. A Graceful Death, I feel, would be at home at this church. I have not met the Rector, but I have seen her! She spoke at my dear friend Nicola Slee's book launch held at the church last month, and I am looking forward to meeting her properly.

I have sent off, finally, an application to the Arts Council for funding for a year. This would help me to make the paintings and to research how to make the exhibition grow and be seen. I am investigating two more possible venues, one in Manchester again and one in Yorkshire. Once I have finished all the administration for the exhibition and the project, I will be delighted to paint for the next exhibition again, and will be painting Nushi Khan-Levy and I hope, another person too. I would like to speak to my new contact on the very important subject of suicide. We still have to work our what paintings would be best for his particular story. And I would like to speak to another possible contact, who is probably a bit too ill to speak to me at the moment.

At some point, I would like to talk about bereavement. I would like to explore the stories of those who have to go on with life, whether they like it or not. How I behaved during my bereavement used to worry me, it seemed very odd. I wondered if I was a bit strange. But talking to other bereaved people has made me see that it is possible to be totally bonkers, while still being you, and what we do and how we get through our grief, is a very important life lesson and should be discussed so that those going through it don't worry that they are losing their minds. I did not lose my mind, but I tipped over into quite out of character behaviour. Looking back on it, I am glad that I did, it was a way of making real the dreadfulness of being without Steve. Not because he went off into the sunset with someone else, but that he died. I saw him, I held him, I could not mistake it, he died and that was absolutely that.

Bereavement is a very important part of the end of life and I will explore this for the next exhibition in Birmingham in November.

In the meantime - come to the Weekend Sale. I am having a raffle on Sunday evening, and the prizes are as follows -

1. A beautiful framed print of Jesus on the Tube. Jesus on the Tube is the best known and most popular of my paintings and has a whole website dedicated to it. Even the Archbishop of Canturbury has his own personalised Jesus on the Tube. www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for more information. Photographed by Eileen Rafferty, a superb photographer and print maker

2. A framed oil painting of cyclamen in a spotty bowl. I painted this for the sheer love of it, I love plants and flowers and when I have time, I love to paint them. About 17" x 30".

3. An Angel or Fairy of your choice - I will paint it and send it to you in the post.

4. A custom made pair of earrings, you choose the beads and I will make them up for you.

This weekend of Earrings, Angels, Fairies and Cakes is of course, in aid of raising funds and awareness of the A Graceful Death exhibition and film. There will be opportunites to donate to this very important project, and I will be happy to talk with you about what it all means, what I am doing and where it is all going. And in the meantime, come - buy Fairies, buy Angels, buy Earrings and buy the yummiest cakes to have with your cups of tea (or wine if it all gets too much).

2011-05-05T04:39:00.000-07:00

www.antoniarolls.co.uk for my website

www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for the well known image of Jesus sitting on the London tube being ignored
www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis

Angels, Earrings, Fairies and Cakes. A Sale of Art Works for the AGD Film and Exhibition

But First

The A Graceful Death Film Project -

Click on the link below to see our video and to hear more and to donate to this important work.

http://www.wefund.co.uk/project/graceful-death-film

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Angels, Earrings, Fairies and Cakes by

Antonia Rolls

Shopping Angel

You are warmly invited to a weekend sale of Paintings, Prints and Handmade Earrings

Wine and Tea and Cakes

Fairy Cakes and Flowers Fat Ladies Diving

Blue Teapot Fairy

Saturday May 21 10am - 9 pm to

Sunday May 22 10am - 9 pm

127 Worple Road, Wimbledon SW20

New Beginnings Angel

Sale in aid of the A Graceful Death projects, the Film and the Exhibition.

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I hope you will all come to this weekend of Fairies, Angels, Earrings, Cakes, Tea and Wine. Come to see what other kinds of paintings I do. It will be light hearted, fun and serious. There will be a display of one or two of the smaller AGD paintings and some information, so that everyone will know what they are buying the Angels etc for. It will be lovely to see all of you, and meet those I have not yet met.

There have been some very generous cheques sent in the post for the A Graceful Death film. Thank you for all of you who have sent them. If you want to send any money to the A Graceful Death film and exhibition, please do so by emailing me, and I will give you my address to send to. Make the cheques out to A Graceful Death and I will receipt all cheques. Some of you know my address anyway, so send away! My email address is antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com. Thank you.

I am talking to St James's in Piccadilly about possibly showing A Graceful Death there. This is a church I have heard about with interest, and am really delighted to be at least talking about it being a venue. I know it would work splendidly in St James's. I have not had the pleasure of meeting the Rector, but I have seen her talk at my friend Nicola Slee's latest book launch which was held in this church. For your interest, Nicola's book is excellent and is called "Seeking the Risen Christa". There has been a small and encouraging flurry of emails between the Wellcom Trust and me about the AGD, but I think they are booked up for the next hundred years. You never know though, one day that would be excellent. They were very enthusiastic about the exhibition, and that always helps.

Neill and I have re shot our video for the We Fund video, and when he can he will edit it so I can re load a different video. I have already said that I have overestimated myself with We Fund, and it is a learning curve. If they agree, we may put our project back on after this one, with a realistic target figure. Despite this, the film is moving on, and the exhibition is moving ahead, and we are doing all we can to make it work.

This afternoon I go to start my volunteering job at our local Hospice. Time to learn what the end of life is like day to day, and to do so with the Hospice Movement. I will be going there one day a week.

Please come to the Angels, Fairies and Earrings weekend. Even if just to chat, it will be lovely to see you all.

2011-04-28T06:56:00.000-07:00

www.antoniarolls.co.uk for my website

www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for the well known image of Jesus sitting on the London tube being ignored
www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis

Angels And Earrings And Fairies And Cake

All coming together to raise funds for and awareness of the A Graceful Death project. This includes both the Film and the Exhibition. Read on -

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Angels, Earrings, Fairies and Cakes by

Antonia Rolls

Shopping Angel

You are warmly invited to a weekend sale of Paintings, Prints and

Handmade Earrings

and

Wine and Tea and Cakes

Fairy Cakes

Saturday May 21, 10am - 9 pm

Sunday May 22, 10am - 9 pm

127 Worple Road, Wimbledon SW20

Weight Watchers Angel

Sale in aid of the A Graceful Death projects, the Film and the Exhibition.

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As you all know, the A Graceful Death exhibition is about acknowledging the importance of the end of life. It is about what it means to die, and what it means to survive - this means both to survive the process of grief and bereavement and to survive the treatment of cancer or other life threatening illnesses. The A Graceful Death exhibition began with the death of my partner from cancer in November 2007. I painted the last few weeks and days of Steve's life, trying to capture how though his body was ravaged by the cancer, the life, the spirit that made him Steve, lived on in him to the end. The paintings are powerful and raw and full of love. The A Graceful Death exhibition has now evolved to include the stories and images of others at the ends of their lives too. It includes the images and words from those who are undergoing treatment for cancer, and those who have survived well past the five year mark. My colleague Neill Blume and I are now making a film of the exhibition and its effects. Neill will be there at the Angels, Fairies and Earrings Fund Raising Weekend, filming away - so come and be part of it.

A Graceful Death is a not for profit enterprise. All donations directly to the exhibition are gratefully received. I am very fortunate to continue with A Graceful Death through the kindness and love of those who support it both financially, and with time and practical help.

I make earrings with a passion too. Apart from having loads already made, I will have all the beads and baubles in piles for you to select and design your own. I will make them up for you then and there. Your own design and colour scheme. Go for it.

See you all there. A Bar is set up for all those who need more than tea, and there will be cakes and sustenance to help you make your earrings, Angel and Fairy Painting and or print buying decisions.

Ups And Downs. A Reality Check And Some Magic.

2011-04-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

www.antoniarolls.co.uk for my website
www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for the well known image of Jesus sitting on the London tube being ignored
www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis

The A Graceful Death Film Project -

Click on the link below to see our video and to hear more and to donate to this important work.

http://www.wefund.co.uk/project/graceful-death-film

Ups And Downs. A Reality Check And Some Magic

There have been some very interesting ups and downs for the A Graceful Death project.

This account will be about the difficulties that I have been encountering. It includes too the progress that has been made, as the A Graceful Death exhibition, film and project finds its way forward, and the response to what we are doing is growing.

But first, I write will be about the joy of filming Nushi Khan-Levy. Nushi is undergoing treatment for cancer. She has agreed to be filmed and her portrait is being painted for the exhibition. Eileen photographed her yesterday, and Neill filmed her and I interviewed her. A lot for a lady to do, who is tired from her chemo treatment.

Nushi. Very beautiful and very strong.

Nushi is someone I have known for many years. She is a successful screen, television, stage and radio actress. Nushi is busy, Nushi has two growing daughters and a demanding career. Her husband is busy with his demanding career, the family is dynamic and fun, they know everyone, they do everything, and then Nushi got cancer.

Last year, Nushi came to the London showing of A Graceful Death hosted by Clarissa de Wend Fenton. As ever, she was shining and vital, full of news and work, her girls going to university and everything as busy as it always was. And so, a couple of months ago, I got an email from Nushi telling me that in the time between that exhibition and now, she herself had been diagnosed with breast cancer and had had to undergo two swift and urgent operations. Now, she was mid chemo treatment, was very sick and apart from everything else, had lost all her hair. When I read her email I knew that I wanted to paint her and that the word that covered her, to me, was goddess. I asked her if she would take part in the exhibition as a Survivor, and she said Yes. I asked her if we could film her, and she said Yes. And so we did.

I wanted to film Nushi because she will speak openly of the dark places she went to. She can talk to us of the fears and the panic she felt about her diagnosis. "Ask me about being horrible," she told me, "and let me talk about fear." Nushi is wise and articulate. She is willing to show her vulnerability, to speak of her reality, and then to make us laugh with her wit, her warmth and her sense of fun. The thing is, that Nushi does not look ill. She has lost her hair, yes. She has what she calls Chemo Brain, and gets forgetful and muddled, but one of the important points Nushi made, about herself, was that she had had a choice. Either she curled up and went under, she said, or she made the effort to live each day at a time. For me, Antonia, living a day at a time is a theory. As far as I know I have many such days, and I have heard that living each day at a time, each moment at a time, is a gift. I don't really understand it though, and I have no idea how to do it. It sounds great, but I live all over the place; past, present, future. Nushi knows how to live each day at a time. She had to work it out and do it to survive the experience, she chose to do it. So she paints on her eyes, her eyebrows, puts on colours, paints her nails (which she says are blue black anyway from the chemo) and does not like to wear her wig. She says that there have been moments with her husband, during the diagnosis, the operations and the treatment, where time distilled itself into such heightened awareness and love and supreme consciousness of the moment, that she wishes she could bottle it and use it when her hair grows back, her life is more normal, and she is well past this time of treatment.

Nushi says she is doing Cancer Chic. I thought that was wonderful, because actually, she is.

News now of the rest of the A Graceful Death project.

A very heartfelt thank you to all those who have been sending in donations for the Film. I am very grateful and touched. I have a dedicated bank account for this, and for those of you who want to send donations to me by post, please email me on antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com and I will give my address. Unfortunately the We Fund donation site is not doing very well; and it is time to update the video and reduce the amount we want to receive there. It is a learning curve. When I put up the video and the link, I had not realised just how my time would be dominated by trying to organise and publicise the whole concept of A Graceful Death. I did think that all I had to do was tell people about AGD and they would love it - which may or may not be true, but I have learned that I need to constantly explore where this project (both the film and the exhibition) is going, who it is reaching and why it is so important. I have been writing proposals for funding applications that are very detailed business plans. I have had to address how I am going to achieve it all.

It is significant too, that this is non profit making, therefore working on it means that I am not earning. So, with important lessons being learnt as I write, I have been planning, organising, promoting, researching and working at the A Graceful Death exhibition. And have been really touched by the donations that have been coming in. Thank you.

I do have a team working with me too, all of whom give so much time, practical help and advice without payment. The A Graceful Death team are as follows -

Eileen Rafferty. www.eileenrafferty.blogspot.com. Eileen not only takes the most extraordinary photos for the AGD exhibitions and for a book she is writing on it, she is studying for a photography degree and holds a senior position in the Civil Service. Eileen helps with planning, applications, ideas and is has been with the exhibition from the very beginning.
Alan Bedford. Alan is a retired NHS Chief Executive and at present a private consultant in the Health Service. Alan was instrumental in the creation of the Martlets Hospice in Hove, Sussex, and is on the Board of Governors. Alan gives constant support with both financial and business advice, and has constantly advised me on strategies for making the AGD project viable and practical.
Clarissa de Wend Fenton. Clarissa is a business owner in London who has not only hosted the A Graceful Death exhibition in London herself, but is helping to find future venues for exhibitions. Clarissa has constantly given me business advice and has introduced me to her accountant who is now offering her services to help me to keep the AGD finances up to date.
Neill Blume. Neill is making the film with me. Neill is a busy film maker, and has understood completely what A Graceful Death is about. Neill has given his time and expertise to creating our film, and has shown huge enthusiasm, insight and commitment.

I am very fortunate indeed.

The A Graceful Death exhibition is working on a new set of paintings and writings on the subject of suicide. I am still hoping to meet, film and paint Patrick Joyce, the Incurable Optimist, who is suffering from Motor Neurone Disease. Patrick is happy to take part in the A Graceful Death film and exhibition, despite putting on an extensive set of exhibitions of his own work. Patrick is an artist, and is using his art to not only raise money for, but to raise awareness of, Motor Neurone Disease. Please see http://patricktheoptimist.org/.

Finally, Neill and I are updating our We Fund video as soon as we can. Please do donate to our film. It is a truly life affirming project, A Graceful Death.

http://www.wefund.co.uk/project/graceful-death-film

Cancer Chic. The glorious Nushi.

A Graceful Death Exhibition And Film; Latest News

2011-03-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

The A Graceful Death Film Project -

Click on the link below to see our video and to hear more and to donate to this important work.

http://www.wefund.co.uk/project/graceful-death-film

An Update On The Exhibition And Film

I have been sending out information on the above project to everyone that I can think of. It has been hard work to process everything into a small-ish format so that it can be read easily both by email and by post. So far, we have been pledged a very good amount and are grateful. There is not so much to report on the film, as I am only just beginning the fund raising appeal and am awaiting responses. Neill Blume, my colleague who is making the film, and I, have already started work on filming, and will be making another filming journey out very soon as I am visiting a very brave lady who will be painted for the next time A Graceful Death is shown. This lady is recovering from cancer and she and I need to speak first so that I know what it is that she wants from the painting, and I can do the best painting possible.

This morning I spoke to the local newspaper about what I am doing, and about the film project. The journalist that I spoke with has covered A Graceful Death before, and is aware of what it is all about. He writes very sensitively, and I look forward to seeing what comes of it. I am doing all the fund raising and the awareness raising in between having other painting commitments, so every little bit helps. If my local paper comes on board, then I am in a better position to fund raise.

I expect everyone who starts a major project finds that it can take over their lives! I could, if I had no children and no home and no other work to do, spend all day every day doing this exhibition. I love how it is growing, I love how it seems to be working and most of all, I love the responses of the people who come and see it when it is set up. I don't like the feeling that I never do enough for it though. It can be hard to see the wood for the trees. There are a few more very interesting paintings to paint, and some more people I need to contact with a view to painting them. I am remembering people from past exhibitions and realising that they would be excellent subjects for the Survivors that I want to paint. Oh if only time and money were no object. There is a wondeful lady I wish I could visit that I met when A Graceful Death went to Dublin. I would love to travel over to meet her again and to ask to paint her. She was a truly remarkable survivor. And what an artist she is too. I will work on that one though.

I phoned the Spectator and St James in Piccadilly in the last few days and both extremely helpful ladies I spoke to listened to what I was doing, and both said it was timely as they had both lost someone important only very recently. You see, it is such a human experience, loss and bereavement. I meet this everywhere I go. How amazing that death unites is all. I hope to make some new contacts, regarding the Spectator and St James in Piccadilly. It is time to show the A Graceful Death in London again. And, talking with the journalist this morning, he suggested it was time to try to show the exhibition in Chichester once more. I agree and will now look for somewhere to put on A Graceful Death there. You may remember, that when I first tried to show A Graceful Death in Chichester for its first time in 2009, there was such an objection to it that everyone pulled out just before it was to be shown. I think it is time to try in Chichester again. The exhibition has proved itself to be sensitive, controversial and uplifting.

Next week is going to be given over entirely to painting again. I have other commission work to do, and will prepare the wood and the space for the next A Graceful Death paintings, which will be taking shape by the end of this month.

Please visit our page on We Fund, and please donate whatever you can for our film project. Every pound helps. Every amount helps. We don't expect you to give us tens, hundreds or thousands (though should you wish to, we say Oh go on then...), whatever you can afford is helpful for us. Thank you, another update soon.

http://www.wefund.co.uk/project/graceful-death-film

2011-03-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

The A Graceful Death Film Project -

making a film of the effect an exhibition of paintings of death and the end of life (A Graceful Death, paintings from the end of life) has on those who are involved in the works, and those who come to experience them at exhibitions. Showing how the exhibition is created and broadcast, and hearing what those who love it say, and those who don't love it, say.

Click on the link below to see more and to donate to this important work.

http://www.wefund.co.uk/project/graceful-death-film

Filming in St Nicholas Church in Manchester, where the exhibition has just had its latest run.

Some reactions to the exhibition in Manchester

"I was privileged to be at that opening evening, truly powerful. Reading of some of the reactions of people to Antonia's work (I loved Jesus & John the Baptist playing their Gameboys, a card which made me laugh out loud in the middle of all the other images which often moved me to tears, how could anyone take offence??) just makes it even clearer why we need Antonia & her work. Thank you so much to Antonia, Rachel & all who made it possible." Loiuse

"I think what you are doing is a beautiful thing. And I think Jesus is very challenging, and not just comforting. Your writings and what I can see of your pictures speak to me in a powerful way: partly, because my own wife died just over two years ago - she took her own life, but had really tried to give herself a graceful death - which may also sound strange to some people; partly because I have seen many people die; but mostly because they somehow fill me hope when I am such a cynical and pessimistic old cuss these days. I think you have tremendous strength and compassion - so thank you for sharing that with the world." Stuart

"Goodbye Micheal, Goodbye Old Friend". My father leans over to say this to his old friend Michael who died later that evening. They had been friends for about 50 years. (Acrylic on board)

"A Graceful Dying" (saint in a chair in a hospice). Oil on wood. Waiting to die, with only days left.

The A Graceful Death exhibition is a collection of raw, powerful and loving paintings and poetry about the end of life. The poetry has been donated and sent in by those who have been affected by the exhibition, and tells of their own stories. It began with paintings of the last few days, weeks and day of my partner who died in 2007 from cancer. It has grown in the last two years to include the experiences and portraits of others both at the end of life, and those who have been left with no other option but to go on living - Surviving.

"Survivor" the colours of golden yellow and orange say it all. Nothing else is needed, this is me having come through the loss of someone special. I did it. I am alive still and life is good. Oil on wood.

The exhibition has had an extraordinary reception as it has toured the UK. It started in Bognor Regis, and went on to London, Oxford, Birmingham, Dublin and Manchester. It is next due to exhibit for the month of November in Birmingham.

The next huge project for A Graceful Death is the making of A Graceful Death, the Film. My colleague, the film maker Neill Blume, and I are making the A Graceful Death film about the way the exhibition is created and received. We want to film the hard work that goes into the creation of the exhibition, the progress it makes as it travels to each new venue. We aim to film the responses of those who come to see it, and of the reactions that people at the exhibition, beside the paintings. So far, the reactions of those who have come to the exhibition have been overwhelming. They have been truly cathartic for many, very painful for others, and deeply moving for all. There have also been those who do not like the exhibition at all, and we will be filming what they have to say too.

Our film will also show paintings in progress of those who are nearing the end of their lives. It will film how it is to make such a work, and the reactions and thoughts of all those involved. This will include how it affects me as I am working.

The aim of our film, the aim of the exhibition, is to start the long overdue conversation on how it is to die. We want to challenge, with grace, this taboo called Death. What is means to be at the end of life, and how we all will die. It seems that Art can address this issue in a way that is beyond mere words, and that the A Graceful Death exhibition and film, is just at the beginning of this discovery.

We Fund is a website that is dedicated to helping artistic and creative projects to find backing. Neill and I have set up a page on this website and would like to encourage you to follow the link below, and to help us by helping to sponsor our project. Every small donation helps (as well as every large one.) As you will see on the website, we offer heartfelt rewards for each sponsor. Please visit this page below and watch our short video which explains what we are doing

http://www.wefund.co.uk/project/graceful-death-film

With many thanks,

Antonia

Watch Our Video And Help Us With The Film Of AGD

2011-03-11T02:15:00.000-08:00

www.antoniarolls.co.uk for my website
www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for the Jesus on the Tube image story and image
www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl44L6Izrd0 for a short film from the first weeks of creating the A Graceful Death exhibition by Bertram Somme

The Film Video Is Up, Now Over To You

The link for the A Graceful Death Film funding project at We Fund is below. Please go now and have a look. And then, please donate in return for a small token of our gratitude - all of which is listed on our page on the link below ...

http://www.wefund.co.uk/project/graceful-death-film

Neill and I have set up our project at We Fund, a website dedicated to raising money for artistic projects. We have already started filming, and are excited and inspired by the reception the exhibition is getting, and the extremely personal and profound responses from those who come to see the paintings and poetry.

We Fund is a new kind of website in the UK. It is an American idea, where projects are open for individual sponsorship and donations, in return for Perks, all of which are listed beside the A Graceful Death video. The excellent idea behind this We Fund sponsorship idea is that unless the total amount of sponsorship required is reached, no money is deducted from any donor. You pledge your money and on the closing day of the project, only if the target is reached or exceeded, is the money deducted in one fell swoop into the A Graceful Death, A Film account by We Fund. If the target is not reached, no money is deducted and Neill and I have to think again.

What we would like from you is your support. If you go onto the We Fund website, the link is at the top of this page, you will see what we are offering for each donation. Watch the video, and imagine how important each of your individual responses are to us. It is utterly vital that this film is made. The story, the Art, the expressions of the human condition of loss and recovery from loss is so important. Bereavement, the End of Life, Death are all so evident in the wider world, in the news, in catastrophes and in other peoples' lives - what the A Graceful Death exhibition and experience does is to speak to your experience. It says your story is so very important and powerful. The exhibiton seeks to start the conversation on what it means to die, and how we are affected by it. What is this End of Life thing? It touches a deep chord in those who have shared, at whatever level, the experience which is as profound as it is normal. Death is normal. The poetry and painting in the A Graceful Death exhibition goes beyond the conventional approach and touches us deep in our souls. The A Graceful Death film shows this as it happens. The A Graceful Death film is as important as the exhibition in showing the power, the effect and often the great peace that encountering our own stories of loss and recovery through the A Graceful Death exhibition, brings.

Please be generous and join us on our journey.

With so many thanks and we look forward to the next stage in our filming and exhibition story.

http://www.wefund.co.uk/project/graceful-death-film

A Valuable But Mixed Experience In Manchester

2011-03-01T03:19:00.000-08:00

A Valuable Experience In Manchester, A Mixed Bag

The exhibition was held in St Nicholas Church in Burnage, Manchester, with the Rev Rachel Mann.

a family looking at the Steve As Christ's Head painting hung in the Baptistry in the church

The A Graceful Death exhibition has been packed up, folded away, and transported back to the studio. It was a new kind of venue for me in Burnage, Manchester. I hung the exhibition in a public place, a church, and left it there for a week. The paintings looked very effective in this setting; they looked strong and memorable and difficult to ignore. It was hard for some in the congregation, who when they came to the service on the Sunday, could not but be confronted with images of death and dying under the title of A Graceful Death. "There is no such thing as a graceful death" was the general feeling of those who did not like it. The opening and closing nights were full of those who chose to come, and take part in the exhibition experience. But the service is part of many of the parishioners pattern of life, and non-negotiable. Those that did come, and did not like it, are very brave indeed. The end of life is not an easy subject and if it is unavoidable as part of the Sunday service, then that is very hard indeed.

Neill, in the hat is the Director of the A Graceful Death film, Graham is the camera man. The large painting of Steve in the background above the altar was particularly effective and wonderful, though very prominent.

A church is a place of refuge for many. A church, your own church, is yours, and is not somewhere that you want to challenge or frighten you. Sometimes we have arrived at a set of beliefs that mean everything to us because they make us safe in a world which is unsafe and random. Sometimes, we feel it is better to come to the services and masses and feel connected with what we feel we need so much, like reassurance, familiarity, companionship, communion with God. To have paintings from an exhibition that shake that necessary injection of hope and love from God, all around this sacred place of personal refuge, must be extremely difficult. And A Graceful Death is not an exhibition that is easily dismissed with indifference. So there were those who disliked the exhibition with a passion, and those who loved it with a passion. As I was packing up to leave, helped as ever by my son Costya who had come up especially, a church warden came into the church. The church is kept locked at all times when there is not a service or function going on, as there have been some tricky situations from the street outside. So I knew this lady was part of the congregation. Having asked if I was the artist, she told me with great kindness that many of the older folk had been very upset. I knew this, Rev Rachel and I had discussed it. Her husband, she said, would not come near the exhibition. Just as she walked into the church ten minutes or so before, I remembered, she was accompanied by a man who took one look at me and turned and ran back out of the door. Ah, I thought. The husband. She explained that some of the younger members of the parish had lost friends and family recently and were in no fit state to come and see an exhibition of this kind. I can see that too, and I am so sorry about that. This lovely church warden then went on to tell me about her father and her sister's deaths, and how she reacted to them. She spoke with clarity about what was obviously still very difficult for her, even 20 or 30 years ago. After a while we said our goodbyes and as she went back out into the street I heard her say, "She's very nice, you know" in a surprised voice to, I presume, her husband outside.

Many of the paintings of Steve's last moments were hung in the Baptistry, along with the painting of Peter and Anne Snell, at Peter's death bed. There were tiny paintings in here too, like the Dancing Steve Out of Life, the Sadness and Tea Diptych. The painting of me as a Survivor is on the wall of the main part of the church.

I am very nice. The exhibition is tough. It brings our experience of loss to the surface and if we have not been able to cope before with the sadness, we are not going to be able to cope in the exhibition. But this is where the hope and the catharsis comes in. In this exhibition it is safe to feel a connection with your own story of loss, or bereavement, or illness, or survival. I am there to talk to and listen for the openings and closings of the exhibition, when there are the most people visiting, and if I am not there, someone else is. In this case, Rev Rachel, for the days midweek that I was away. Sometimes images that are not photographs, that are painted, can touch the places that we keep covered. Other people have written poetry and written essays for the exhibition, and those words are full of hope, sadness and sometimes, acceptance. At the A Graceful Death experience, taking time to look at the paintings and reading the words, the universal human condition of life and death touches us and if we have been bereaved, we know what the paintings and the words are about. One very amazing lady told me that she had at last, connected to her father's death of 20 years ago when she came to the exhibition during the week. She was, she said, a mess during the time she spent looking at the A Graceful Death. She came back again to look finish looking at the paintings and words, at the closing night party. Now, she said, she feels a relief and a kind of release. She is a priest herself, and counsels those who have been bereaved - and she thanked me for the healing experience. I thank her, she is a brave lady.

A very important part of the exhibition is the Word Wall. Here is hung many of the poems that were sent to me for use in the exhibition, plus a few words about who they are about.

I met some truly wonderful people. I met the daughter, the granddaughter and the great-granddaughters of the lovely old man who I painted called John Horne. It was the first time they had seen the painting in real life. I had sent them prints made by Eileen the photographer, but to meet them for me, and for them to see the painting in real life, was truly a highlight.

The lovely John Horne.

There were many profound conversations, and I have some wonderful writings given to me which I want to use for the next A Graceful Death which is in St Martins in the Bullring in Birmingham in November this year. I hope to receive some more poetry from some very kind people who were moved by the paintings, and I hope to paint more Survivors of the bereavement and grieving process. And as ever, anyone who would agree to be painted at the end of their lives, with love, grace and dignity, then that is what I want to do.

Looking at the book of thoughts, and reading about the A Graceful Death exhibition. I spoke with this man, who was very sensitive and had worked in health care himself.

We Did It. A Very Busy Opening In Manchester.

2011-02-21T03:35:00.000-08:00

We Opened And All Was Well.

You are warmly invited to the A Graceful Death exhibition -

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St Nicholas Church, 408 Kingsway, Burnage, Manchester M19 1PL

From Saturday 19 February to Friday 25 February

In the Church

Opening Times

Sunday to Friday open from 12 - 1 pm and from 7 - 8pm

All other viewings happily supplied via appointment through Rachel on 0161 432 7009

OPENING NIGHT SAT 19 FEB FROM 6PM - 9PM

CLOSING NIGHT PARTY FRIDAY 25 FEBRUARY FROM 7PM - 9PM

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This is the Heather Stott interview below, I am 1 hour 4 minutes into it.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/p00drdj1/Heather_Stott_Whitworth_Art_Gallery_and_royal_wedding_souvenirs

This below is the Mike Shaft interview from 20.2.2011. I am 1 hour 10 minutes into it.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p001d7dq

The Opening of the A Graceful Death exhibition was excellent. It took a lot of effort and patience, it took time and energy but by 6pm on the Saturday, Rachel Mann's church of St Nicholas in Burnage looked very wonderful indeed. It took the A Graceful Death Exhibition team a good three days to get the paintings unwrapped, sorted, a place for them to hang, the literature for the exhibition in the right places, the atmosphere created and the whole show to be appropriate not only to the subject, but to Rachel's truly amazing 1930s church.

There were two radio interviews to do at BBC Radio Manchester, on Heather Stott's programme on the Friday morning and then on Mike Shaft's programme early on Sunday morning. Both those needed to be filmed as A Graceful Death is being made into a film by Neill Blume, who is both a sensitive, creative film maker and a friend. That was possible through the kindness of BBC Radio Manchester - so thank you to them. The A Graceful Death team were Neill and his camera assistant Graham who drove up with me on the Thursday. On Friday arrived the photographer and one of my oldest and dearest friends Eileen Rafferty, who is writing a book on the A Graceful Death exhibition and story. Eileen knew Steve well, and was there for that final week. She is very much a part of the whole creation of the exhibition. Later on Friday my son Costya arrived; Costya is very good at helping to organise my exhibitions. He has helped many times and knows the ropes. And finally on Saturday, Alan Bedford arrived to give his support and help. Alan is instinctively aware of what needs to be done, and is always a very practical and valuable person to have on any project. He also knows the exhibition well, and can guide people during the openings, explaining and talking about the paintings and listening to what people have to say. And the most important member of the team, Rev Rachel Mann who not only gave her church over to us, but accommodated all of us for three days at her home. Rachel also made herself available for any help we needed, and was patient, calm and extremely sensitive to every one's needs throughout our stay.

The paintings were wrapped up and couriered over from Dublin, with thanks to my dear Dublin friends and to Philipp Matuschka who met the entire costs of the transportation. Philipp has supported this exhibition by taking on the worry of transporting the A Graceful Death paintings to Dublin for the exhibition there at the end of 2010, and from Dublin to Manchester for this showing now. Unfortunately, one of the most important paintings escaped the courier's attention. Through nobody's fault, the painting of Steve "I'm Not Going Anywhere" was overlooked and remains in Dublin. I only discovered it's absence on the Friday when we were sorting out the hanging of the pictures in the church. It is a very important painting, as it shows Steve at the very beginning of his journey to his death - it shows him alive and well, full of normal every day health and life. Alan sorted the problem out by printing and framing an A4 copy of it, and we displayed that.

"I'm Not Going Anywhere" . Steve well and happy and not concerned with his liver cancer diagnosis. This painting has stayed in Dublin and accidently escaped the courier over to Manchester. It will come over for the next exhibition in Birmingham inNovember 2011.

Rachel's church, St Nicholas in Burnage, is a huge, dark and imposing building from the outside. It looks monumental and slightly alarming. It is heavy, made of brick and looks weathered but tough, like an old warrior. Inside - what a contrast. It is clean, colourful, light, open, warm and welcoming. As Rachel says, it is a place that has been constantly prayed into, and it is this that washes over you as you walk in. The tough exterior fits perfectly with the beauty of the welcome inside. The A Graceful Death team couldn't stay away from the church, we loved it. It really spoke to us.

Setting up the paintings was very hard work. Once they were unwrapped and lined up along the pews prior to selecting a hanging space, they seemed insignificant inside this huge and gracefully empty church. We had to have faith that they would be OK when hung, and that the exhibition and the church would compliment each other. On the Thursday night, Rachel took me into the church alone with her for some silent time. I needed to gather my thoughts and focus. I have taken on much with the progress of this A Graceful Death. Each time I show it, the exhibition is larger and better known. I am also making a film of it with Neill, and he neccessarily has to follow me and those involved to capture the whole story of how the exhibition works, and what it all means. Rachel saw that I needed to be silent and alone to think clearly about how the exhibition would be presented. That time alone with her, and later with Eileen too, made all the difference. We got a sense of where we were and what we were doing. Neill was very happy with this - it helps him if I don't flap about being indecisive and fragmented when he is trying to film.

Before the exhibition opened, Neill interviewed Rachel about what it meant to have the A Graceful Death exhibition in her church. She has taken a risk, the paintings are powerful and raw, and are visible and present in the church for each service that she takes. Her congregation has to engage with them, and Rachel has had to take that into consideration. Rachel does not take her ministry nor her congregation lightly. She knows what she is doing; I think she is right, the paintings are superb in the church and the subject is such that the church can take it and hold it with grace and strength. When people started to arrive, they took their time looking and really engaging with the paintings. Many people were visibly moved, and Rachel, Eileen, Alan and I moved among them talking and listening and being there. Eileen was also taking photographs as the official photographer. Neill and Graham interviewed a selection of those who were looking at the paintings, and asked them for their reactions. Costya had organised the wine and food area, and had created a display of relevant cards and information which was very successful. He arranged a space for people to sit and take time out, and put flowers and candles around the spaces that needed them. In fact, he surprised us all by being a magnificent flower arranger. Neill and Graham were very busy finding out what people thought of what they were seeing and experiencing, and documenting the reactions as they happened.

Alongside this A Graceful Death paintings I am showing a selection of Every Day Angels, and a small Jesus on the Tube exhibition. I have found that this works well, people have more to look at than the subject of the End of Life. And the end of life always takes part amidst life, so the two small unrelated but complimentary exhibitions give a grounding to the experience of walking amongst the A Graceful Death paintings and reading the A Graceful Death poetry.

A comment that struck me from a lady who spent a long time looking at the paintings was that though she had not experienced loss of someone close to her, and had had no real experience of grief and bereavement, she still cried because something about the A Graceful Death exhibition resonated with feelings of huge change and loss of other things in her life. It was not a feeling of hopelessness - A Graceful Death should never affect people in that way - it was an empathy with the passing of things. The passing of time, opportunities, relationships etc.

The exhibition is open now. Please go and see it - call Rachel to make an appointment to be taken around. The church is open generally between 12 - 1pm and 7-8pm, all other times call Rachel on 0161 432 7009.

And see you all there for the Closing Night party on Friday 25 February from 7-9pm . I am not supposed to say anything, but it is also Rachel's birthday that day. So we will have a double celebration!

2011-02-16T03:25:00.000-08:00

BBC Radio Manchester Interview About The A Graceful Death Exhibition Friday

You are warmly invited to the A Graceful Death exhibition -

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St Nicholas Church, 408 Kingsway, Burnage, Manchester M19 1PL

From Saturday 19 February to Friday 25 February

In the Church

Opening Times

Sunday to Friday open from 12 - 1 pm and from 7 - 8pm

All other viewings happily supplied via appointment through Rachel on 0161 432 7009

OPENING NIGHT SAT 19 FEB FROM 6PM - 9PM

CLOSING NIGHT PARTY FRIDAY 25 FEBRUARY FROM 7PM - 9PM

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If you have a moment, listen to Heather Stott on BBC Radio Manchester this Friday 18 February between 10 and 10.30 am. She will be asking me about the A Graceful Death exhibition and will be talking about what it all means.

Then you can hot foot it to the Opening Night, details above, from 6-9pm.

A new addition, "Joyce Bedford Waiting With Friends At ACelestial Bustop." Joyce is second from the left. Acrylic on Wood.

I am packing up the car now, and travelling up tomorrow. The A Graceful Death Team will be arriving at Rachel Mann's to set it all up, on Thursday and Friday. They are Rachel herself, Me, and members of Rachel's congregation. Then the photographer Eileen Rafferty will arrive with her camera, the film crew Neill Blume and his camera man Graham, Alan who is coming for moral support, and my son Costya who will help in his own thoughtful ways.

I hope you will come too.

Rev Rachel Mann Is Getting Ready For A Graceful Death Exhibition In Her Church

2011-02-13T02:49:00.000-08:00

Rachel Mann, Music Lover, Poet, Maverick, Priest And Writer, Is Preparing Her Church For The

A Graceful Death Exhbition Next Week.

Alone. A small painting of how I felt watching Steve slowly fade. Acrylic on wood, approx 6"x 9"

You are all warmly invited to the exhibition. It would be lovely to meet you, come along to the Opening Night on Saturday 19 Feb, 6-9pm.

Rev Rachel Mann has made her church ready for the paintings to be presented.

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St Nicholas Church, 408 Kingsway, Burnage, Manchester M19 1PL

From Saturday 19 February to Friday 25 February

In the Church

Opening Times

Sunday to Friday open from 12 - 1 pm and from 7 - 8pm

All other viewings happily supplied via appointment through Rachel on 0161 432 7009

OPENING NIGHT SAT 19 FEB FROM 6PM - 9PM

CLOSING NIGHT PARTY FRIDAY 25 FEBRUARY FROM 7PM - 9PM

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Rev Rachel Mann is a passionate person. She is a deep thinker, she is not afraid of the world, and has not only a calling to the Priesthood, but a powerful urge to live life. She is a wonderful writer, thinker and poet. She has unusual musical tastes for a Vicar in that she loves and reviews Heavy Metal. In fact, Rachel plays in her own Metal Band called Kingdom of the Blind and I have seen her - she is awesome!

Despite ill health, Rachel's passion and love of Life gives me hope. I take life for granted. Rachel doesn't. So when Rachel suggested the A Graceful Death exhibition be shown in her church, I knew that it would be good. As a priest, she deals with the dying and the dead. She counsels the bereaved, she sees how death affects her parishioners and she does not take such a subject lightly. Rachel is an Artist too. She uses words and music as her medium and understands the importance of the power of creativity. So I cannot turn up at her church with substandard paintings and substandard thinking. She wouldn't stand for it.

I am looking forward to opening the exhibition next Saturday and I am so happy to have Rachel's support and help. I look forward to meeting you all next week.

Steve as Christ Head. Oil on wood 24" x 24"

Filming of A Graceful Death Starts Today (And Other News)

2011-02-09T02:36:00.000-08:00

Filming Starts Today And Other News

Preparations for the Manchester A Graceful Death exhibition are moving along. The exhibition details are below -

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St Nicholas Church, 408 Kingsway, Burnage, Manchester M19 1PL

From Saturday 19 February to Friday 25 February

In the Church

Opening Times

Sunday to Friday open from 12 - 1 pm and from 7 - 8pm

All other viewings happily supplied via appointment through Rachel on 0161 432 7009

OPENING NIGHT SAT 19 FEB FROM 6PM - 9PM 

CLOSING NIGHT PARTY FRIDAY 25 FEBRUARY FROM 7PM - 9PM

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Today, Neill Blume comes with his camera and we start. We have decided to make a film with two story arcs.

The first will be the creation of A Graceful Death - the story of how it began, and how it is still being created. We will show how I manage the exhibition, how I take it to new venues, who I speak to, the nitty gritty of transporting the paintings and poetry, setting it all up and the process of inviting the public - or if it a private exhibition, inviting from a specially selected list. All the publicity and the networking and the nuts and bolts behind the scenes will be charted. Plus of course, Neill will interview members of the public who come and see the paintings. He will talk to the families of those who have been painted for the exhibition, and what it means to take the decision to have a member of the family painted at the end of life. There will undoubtedly be those who find the whole idea of A Graceful Death very difficult, and that will be important to chart. Also taking part will be those who have helped in the making of the exhibition and who have hosted it. What do they think of the exhibition now, after having agreed to host it?

The second story arc will be the filming of those who are being painted for the exhibition. Both those at the end of their lives, and those who I call Survivors. Those of us who are left behind and somehow survive the grieving process. We are very important people. Life is still there for us, we have no choice but to go on living. Before making a painting of someone for the exhibition, I go and meet them. If possible we talk about what I am doing and what they want from it. To spend time with the dying is sobering and humbling. I cannot ever get used to it. But I am compelled to honour this part of their lives, if I can. And what they say can be so important. When I went to speak to Peter Snell in his hospice, he was too ill to speak, and so his wife Anne spoke for me. Peter didn't live to see the painting, but when he asked to be painted he was clear that he wanted his death to help others.

Peter Snell and his wife Anne. Oil on wood 24"x 24"

So today, we start the ball rolling.

Other News

The paintings are being delivered to Manchester to Rev Rachel Mann by the weekend. They are coming from Dublin and are being couriered over by the kindness of an Irish business man who has put himself out to help. I am going up this weekend to check them and to see if they have survived the journey.

In the Spring, I am hoping to paint the portrait of an inspirational young man in his 40s, who is dying of MND. He is a fabulous artist, a family man, and an all round normal human being. He has agreed to a portrait, so Neill and I will go and meet him in April, and I look forward it. I haven't met him, but from what little I know of him, he is witty and articulate. Wonder if I will paint a wheel chair? I have never painted a wheel chair before. Got to understand how it works before I can paint it. Another little job to do. Once the meeting is finalised and I have his permission to publicise the painting, I will name him and introduce him to you. He doesn't really need introducing - he is far more active than I am, he publicises MND and it's

campaign for a cure.

Back to the A Graceful Death in Manchester. A painting of my darling partner as he waited in the hospice to die. This is powerful and beautiful and terrible all at once. This is the image that began the whole A Graceful Death exhibition. It went to be part of an exhibition in Glasgow Cathedral a few weeks after Steve died, and the man who was curating in the Cathedral said of it, "Ah. A graceful death." which was how the exhibition I am now producing got it's title. A big thank you to that inspired curator.

A Graceful Dying. Waiting in the hospice, a few days to go. Oil on wood, about 12" x 9"

Opening Night is on Saturday 19 February, at the church, from 6pm to 9pm. See you all there.

BBC Radio Manchester Inverview In February About Exhibition

2011-01-28T08:25:00.000-08:00

www.antoniarolls.co.uk for my website
www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for the well known Jesus on the Tube image and story
www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl44L6Izrd0 for a short film by Bertram Somme of the very start of the A Graceful Death series of paintings

BBC Radio Manchester Interview Coming Up -

A Graceful Death Exhibition

St Nicholas Church

408 Kingsway 

Burnage

Manchester M19 1PL

Opening Night Saturday 19 February from 6-9pm

Closing Night Party Friday 25 February from 7-9pm

Open during the week daily from midday-1pm and from 7-8pm

And also by appointment on 0161 432 7009 with Rev Rachel Mann  

The preparations for A Graceful Death are in full swing and slowly things are happening. To arrange this exhibition means that we all have to do hundreds of seemingly unconnected little things, and wonder how it will all come together. And suddenly it does. It comes together and we can see where it is going.

Today I spoke to a very nice man at BBC Radio Manchester. He has arranged for me to speak to Heather Stott on Friday 18 February, somewhere between 10am and 10.30. I am very happy about this, Heather Stott sounds a lovely lady, and I hope A Graceful Death will come off well in the interview.

I took a mad notion to ask someone I know who has come through the grieving process, if I could paint her and have it all done by 17 February. This very admirable lady lives in Ireland, and I would have to work fast and over the internet to do the portrait in time. However, if she agrees, it will be worth it. Her story should be on the blog here one day.

So this is a small blog to update you all on the progress of the exhibition being set up and sorted out, for Manchester. Next weekend, I go to stay with Rachel and receive the paintings which are being driven all the way from Dublin directly to Manchester by an extremely modest and kind man, who has offered to do this to help support the A Graceful Death exhibition. I have not seen the paintings for a couple of months, so it will be great to see them again.

I look forward to seeing you all there on Saturday 19 February from 6 - 9pm too. Or at any time during the week by appointment with Rachel, or at the Friday Closing Party on 25 February from 7 - 9pm.

A Graceful Death In Manchester, Filming And Exhibiting

2011-01-23T05:41:00.000-08:00

www.antoniarolls.co.uk for my website
www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for my other website
www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl44L6Izrd0 for a short video account of AGD at the very beginning by Bertram Somme

A Graceful Death In Manchester, Both Exhibition And Filming In Process

St Nicholas Church, 408 Kingsway, Burnage, Manchester M19 1PL

From Saturday 19 February to Friday 25 February

In the Church

Opening Times

Sunday to Friday open from 12 - 1 pm and from 7 - 8pm

All other viewings happily supplied via appointment through Rachel on 0161 432 7009

OPENING NIGHT SAT 19 FEB FROM 6PM - 9PM 

CLOSING NIGHT PARTY FRIDAY 25 FEBRUARY FROM 7PM - 9PM

With huge thanks to the Reverend Rachel Mann for this showing of A Graceful Death in Manchester. Rachel has offered her church, St Nicholas in Burnage, for the paintings and poetry to be shown for a week. The details are above, and everyone is welcome. There is the Opening Night Party and the Closing Night Party to which you are warmly invited.

It will be the first time A Graceful Death is shown in a church. The paintings are full of love and compassion, which will be enhanced by the atmosphere of a church. Many of us feel there is a spiritual dimension to our experience of bereavement, and many believe that our dying loved ones go straight into the presence of God. Showing the paintings and poetry inside a church, where they are visible during services and to the public during the times the church is open, gives a comforting extra dimension to the effect of the A Graceful Death exhibition.

Dying and Death in Religious Art is an old theme. There are many very moving paintings and sculptures of the crucifixion of Christ. There are representations of the deposition - Christ taken down from the cross and held in his grieving mother's arms - and there are paintings of the entombment of Christ. For example, look at Matthias Grunewald's disturbing Crucifixion 1510-1515, from the Eisenheim Altarpiece. How painful and distressing is that? As a child of about 6, I was shown a Giovanni Bellini deposition of Christ, which seems to be called Dead Christ Supported by Two Angels - except that the figure on the left is definitely his mother. This painting changed my life. I had only seen pretty pictures before and the power of this painting made me aware, in my little mind, that life was bigger than I had thought. It has remained one of my most wonderful childhood memories. And see Mantegna's Entombment of Christ, in the Brera Gallery in Milan, for a stark image of a dead body. Painted in around 1500, it is a very stark image.

At this exhibition, Neill will begin his filming of the documentary of A Graceful Death, and will be quietly showing the paintings in situ, the reactions of those who are seeing them, and how the whole A Graceful Death works.

Eileen Rafferty, my dear photographer friend, will be photographing the entire exhibition experience too. We are writing a book on the paintings and on the story behind it. Eileen will be photographing Neill filming, at some point too, which will be interesting.

Please come to see the exhibition. It is profoundly moving and profoundly hopeful. It is loving and it is raw. Come and join us at the Opening and the Closing Night Parties. I look forward to meeting you all.

A Graceful Death Film. The Beginning

2011-01-14T07:22:00.000-08:00

www.antoniarolls.co.uk for my website
www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for the Jesus on the Tube image and its story
www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl44L6Izrd0 for a small video of the beginnings of the AGD exhibition by Betram Somme

The Film Of A Graceful Death And What It Means

I have teamed up with a film maker to make a documentary film of A Graceful Death.

The effect of the exhibition has been far reaching. I have met and spoken with the most wonderful people while doing the A Graceful Death; I have read some moving and deeply felt poetry, read some excellent writings, and had the honour of painting brave people at the end of their lives. Creating an exhibition on such a subject as the End of Life and using Art to explore it can become utterly consuming, and I find it difficult to do all of it myself. I long to talk to people about what is happening with the exhibition, I want to hear what the feedback is, I always want to hear what those who have a story to tell tell me, and I am moved and humbled to paint people who are at the ends of their lives - and I have to promote the exhibition, find the venues, raise the funds to go there and put it on - it is hard work to maintain and to do it all well.

My friend Neill Blume is a film maker. His response to the paintings was immediate and emotional, and he was very sure of how the film should be made. I am in good hands with him, and he understands how sensitive - and how fantastic - this subject is. We will introduce the story of A Graceful Death, and then film the preparation for an exhibition. The actual exhibition will be an important feature, we will be able to interview those who wish to talk, about their reactions and their thoughts on the various subjects that it raises, about how it is to die, and what their story is. Others who have had significant roles in making the A Graceful Death work will also be interviewed.

The film is intended to carry the message of the exhibition further, to audiences that will not be able to come and see the paintings, but who have shared this experience of death and dying, bereavement and loss, love and hope. We hope the film will be shown in as many places as possible, and will also accompany the paintings to each and every exhibition and talk and discussion of and about A Graceful Death.

Neill is a very sensitive and talented man, an artist through and through. He is a thoughtful fellow, and has twenty or so years of film making for corporate and private clients. We are thrilled and excited to be doing this film, but, terribly nervous too. It is a big theme, a big undertaking, and it has to be done well. Brilliantly, in fact.

Part of the process is that we have to raise the money to make it. We have begun to put that in motion, and will be fund raising in all sorts of ways soon. We have talked to a couple of helpful and experienced fund raisers in the arts, and will be making a short promotional video next week with which to start our campaign. Bearing in mind that this project is now all of two weeks old, we are inspired but have a long, long way to go.

A Graceful Death goes next to Manchester, the exhibition will be starting on the 19 February, in St Nicholas Church, Burnage. The next blog entry will be about that. Keep your diaries free, and come to the opening night at St Nicholas on that Saturday, 19 February. Details in the next entry, within a couple of days.

Of course, when we have done the first promotional video, we will put it up here and you can all see it. And donate. You know you want to.

Until then - onwards and upwards.

Wise Words And A Graceful Dying From Canada.

2010-11-07T23:41:00.000-08:00

www.antoniarolls.co.uk for my website
www.jesusonthetube.co.uk for my other website
www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis

Wise Words and A Graceful Dying in Canada

My Dublin Hosts had an email from their family friend, Isabel, in Canada, on being invited to the exhibition of A Graceful Death in Dublin. It would have been very amazing if this friend could have come, as she lives so far away. This is her reply, and I have her permission to include it, because I think she absolutely got the whole idea of the exhibition. I thought Isabel's reply was incredibly insightful and thoughtful. Here it is. Thank you Isabel. And thank you Brian, who gave his permission for us to know about how his wife died her graceful death. A quick note - I am known as Toni to some, Antonia to others. Toni in this account, is me.

"Wow, I wish I was there. It is rare in my experience for people to address death openly, acceptingly. But art is such a wonderful venue for difficult subjects; I'm certain your exhibition will be so much more than just an "art show". I'd love to be a fly on the wall...

Even as I check out her blog, view some of her paintings, I think of the only person I know personally who has been open, vulnerable and somehow inclusive in how he's dealt with death. And I feel compelled to tell you; oddly, because of Toni's paintings and your hosting of her works. My friend Brian's wife died from a quickly metastizing throat cancer that felled her within three months. He brought her home when they knew the time was close. She lived in a hospital bed that they set up in her room. On the day of her death, knowing her time was obviously rapidly approaching, he put her in her favourite dress, played her favourite music, and her family was all there, surrounding her. They all said goodbye, they all talked with her, laughed and wept at her bedside until she finally slipped away. I was moved by the way she ended her life, with dignity and love, despite her pain and difficulty in leaving her children, her step-children, her husband, her life. He shares that information willingly; while not at peace with her end, he embraces it wholly. I've come closer to acceptance of "the end", in his relating of her story, of her death.

Because death seems to be treated so mystically by religion and society, or brutally by the media, or without a thought (in denial) by people like me, the living, it's something special to see a person's life's end portrayed so gently, so clearly and transparently, and with a certain rawness, a reality, that I for one don't usually see. what appears potentially to have originated from a need to express one's grief (by Toni), seems to have become a gift, not only from the artist to the viewer, but also from the dying to the living. That these people are willing to share such vulnerability at such a time...to remove the taboo, to create something transcendental from such a painful experience; that's an awe-inspiring gift. I hope the gift was somehow returned to the givers, those that allowed themselves to be observed in their final hours. And to Toni, who portrays them in their "graceful death".

This, all this, from the simple viewing of an artist's blog because of your most appreciated (but unfortately declined!) invitation. I wonder what kind of cathartic sharing will occur at your exhibition...I expect it will have been a very moving weekend."

Isabel, and Brian, thank you. I hope we meet again one day.

Dublin AGD A Spiritual, Emotional And Physical Journey

2010-10-28T04:43:00.000-07:00

www.antoniarolls.co.uk for my website
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www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis

A Graceful Death Exhibition in Dublin. Emotional, Spiritual and Important

Steve over the fire, and me on the easle. This is the main room where the A Graceful Death paintings were shown. Visitors were welcomed into the house, and guided to this room and when they were ready, left to wander at their ease and in their own time amongst the images and words. When they were finished, they came through into the kitchen and had tea, cake, wine and the warmth of other people.

I am home from Dublin, having left the paintings stored in Dublin before they are taken to the next exhibition in Manchester in February 2011. I am very tired and need to reflect on how the exhibition went, and what to do from here. It is good to be home, it gives me the distance I need to think over the past 6 days in Ireland, and the experience of showing the paintings to a new audience in a new country.

It was a very profound few days. To recap, my dear kind friends in Dublin offered to show the exhibition in their house. They live in a large house they designed and had built themselves, in a leafy and quiet area of Dublin. It was to be an invitation only exhibition. My Dublin Friends had never done anything like this before, and were keen to make the exhibition and the experience work to the best of their abilities and to the A Graceful Death's benefit. We opened on the Thursday, and packed up on the following Monday afternoon. My Dublin Friends put their hearts and souls into making it work, and created one of the most successful exhibitions I have yet had.

My Hosts had worked tirelessly to contact the people they thought would appreciate an exhibition concerned with death and dying, of life and bereavement and love and hope and how we survive our losses. They designed the invitations, they designed the brochures and they organised the wine, the teas, the cakes. They contacted everyone that they could and followed up each call, they spent time and effort on making sure they covered all avenues to the people they thought needed to come and see the exhibition. They even arranged, through a lovely PR friend of theirs, for a radio interview for me to speak about the exhibition to Alan Stanford on 4fm on the Saturday morning Culture Club programme.

The Jesus on the Tube exhibition was under the stairs, in this space. This shows how light and peaceful the house is and how gentle the experience of visiting A Graceful Death was in this setting.

The exhibition worked so very well because most of those who came were expected. We were extremely busy, and I found working as a team with my Dublin Hosts was absolutely wonderful. We had put up three exhibitions. Alongside the A Graceful Death was a small display of Jesus on the Tubes, which went down very well. And in the kitchen, there were displays of the Every Day Angels paintings that were light hearted and fun. It was important to have something lively and colourful when coming out of experiencing the A Graceful Death paintings, and to sit in the kitchen having tea and cakes next to gentle,bright and every day Angels, because that is the time to talk and tell one's story. In the safety and calm of the kitchen, crying can be a more comforting experience, with the gentle reassurance of every day life around you. And people do need to talk after seeing the paintings. Some need to cry, some need to be listened to, some need to say things that they could not say before. The time to be with someone who cares is in the kitchen after the exhibition. My Dublin hosts knew this and prepared tea, sat with their guests, offered wine, listened and welcomed everyone to their home.

Jesus on the Tube under the Stairs.

My Dublin Friend has married a very good and kind man, and they were my Hosts. My Dublin Friend has a remarkable Mother in Law, whom I want to mention here. Mother in Law is a trained bereavement counsellor, and is well known for her kindness, insight and patience. My Dublin Hosts live at the bottom of the Parents-in-Law's garden where they have built this gracious, light and spacious home. So Dublin Friend's Mother in Law spent her time caring gently for people at the exhibition, and bringing down lunches and suppers for all of us in the house in her spare time, and generally being the most wonderful support. It is worth mentioning that most of the people who came to the exhibition either knew or knew of Mother in Law, so well respected is she for her work and kindess.

The kitchen, where we sat amongst the Every Day Angels and ate amazing cake and drank tea, talking if we needed to, just thinking if that was what we wanted.

The Angels sold well, and this is what is left of them on the pink wall. Note the red and white spotty table cloth and the cake stand with cup cakes. A work of art in itself.

I met very good people. I met members of the clergy. Our first guest was a local priest, a very sensitive and kind man. We had members from such organisations as the Bethany Bereavement Support Group, the Cancer Society, Local Hospices, the Irish Hospice Foundation, bereavement counsellors, doctors, nurses, a very likeable director of an Undertaking firm, members of the Glasnevin Trust, a lovely author and psychologist from the De Mello Institute who very kindly gave me a copy of his book which I am enjoying and appreciating greatly.

And I have the next lady to paint as a Survivor. The most energetic and inspiring lady arrived at the exhibition, with a similar story to mine, though she was married for 20 years before she lost her husband. She too is hoping to make a positive contribution to the world following her husband's death. She is very much the Survivor, and I hope to goodness she lets me paint her. We did speak of it, and she would make a wonderful picture. There was too, another very inspirational lady who wrote a small book of poetry and diary entries and mixed media art work after her husband of 48 years died. I was given this book which was heartfelt and wonderful and pognant to read, by the Bethany Bereavement Support Group (a very remarkable organisation, some of whom I was delighted to meet). I have not yet asked this lady, but gosh, she would make a fantastic portrait of a Survivor too. Two new paintings, if I get the go-ahead to paint them, for Manchester next February.

After this showing of A Graceful Death, I absolutely realise that I can't do this alone any more. I simply could not have done anything if it wasn't for my Dublin Hosts, and the effect of having them work with me and understand the whole reason for showing the paintings, makes me see I will always need this kind of input for the A Graceful Death exhibitions. I can't do this alone. Thinking back, I never have had to do it alone. Clarissa de Wend Fenton did her utmost for the exhibition when she showed it in February in Wimbledon. Eileen Rafferty, the photographer, has recorded the images and helped out wherever she can. I have had donations from many people for the AGD Fund to help with costs and expenses. My cousin Maddy has always helped, and got her whole family to make my house into an exhibition space for the first showing ever, here, last year. Alan Bedford has given me a strong arm to lean on when I needed nothing but strength. So many others have, and do, help. So many people make this a success. And now, because of its growing success, I need help more than ever. I absolutely need donations and sponsorship to cover the costs of maintaining, growing and producing A Graceful Death. I need like minded people to help set this exhibition up in places where there is strength, undersanding, help, love, kindness and life, so that we can talk of our experiences of Death, and how it is to Go On, to Survive. This exhibition of A Graceful Death deals with how we approach Dying, and then - how we approach Living. We who are left. Email me if you can help on antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com.

There is so much to do.

Sunshine on the Exhibition.

Thank You Dublin.

Dublin's Response To A Graceful Death Exhibition So Far...

2010-10-24T00:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.antoniarolls.co.uk/ for my website
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http://www.antoniarolls.blogspspot.com/ for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis

A Graceful Death In Dublin. So Far...

So far, Dublin has responded to the exhibition with grace and recognition. I am wondering what the difference is from reactions I have had in the UK, and I think there is no difference. The reactions in the UK perhaps were more tearful, maybe there were recent bereavements that came to the surface when the exhibition showed there. Here, in Dublin, the people who have come to see the A Graceful Death exhibition, have been wise, thoughtful and responsive.

The exhibition as you know, is a private exhibition, attended by invite only. This is because my wonderful Dublin friends are making their house over into a gallery for A Graceful Death paintings and poetry to be shown. They have created the most glorious gallery, as did Clarissa de Wend Fenton in Wimbledon when she transformed her home into a gallery for A Graceful Death in February last year. Here in Dublin, the house is very open plan and feels a little Japanese. It is large and light, and so the paintings hang in light, space and warmth. The pale wooden floors and window frames add a freshness to the environment in which the paintings hang and work very well indeed with the subject of dying, bereavement, love, life and hope.

We have hung a small exhibition of Jesus on the Tube paintings under the stairs here, which looks fun and upbeat, and in the kitchen we have made an exhibition of Every Day Angels, which is full of humour and lightness. It is important to mention that one of the walls in this large and friendly kitchen is deep rose pink. That is exactly my kind of wall colour, and the Angels hang with great jollity against such a vibrant and warm colour. My Dublin Hosts have set out tables and chairs and have provided cake stands full of cakes and cup cakes and provide round the clock pots of tea, glasses of wine and soft drinks. They have made this A Graceful Death exhibition into the A Graceful Death Experience of the Best Kind. Guests have been arriving in huge numbers, and have been welcomed into the house, and guided to the main exhibition where they take their time on their own, to make of the paintings and the exhibition what they will. My Dublin Hosts tell them to make their way round and end in the kitchen where tea and cakes or a glass of wine is waiting for them. And so, in the kitchen, there is a wonderful gathering of all sorts of people, chatting, talking, discussing, some wanting to talk of their experiences, some wanting to talk of ideas for the A Graceful Death to go to its next destination, some just chatting. And alongside the guests in the kitchen drinking their teas and coffees, eating the most amazing cakes, are paintings of Angels Having Tea, Angels Flying Into the Sky and Angels Chatting With Their Friends. The A Graceful Death exhibition works best alongside life, love and kindness.

Yesterday, I was interviewed by a very interesting Alan Stanford on 4fm radio here, about A Graceful Death. It made me think that a whole hour would not begin to cover the subject of this exhibition. It made me think that there is so much to talk of and so much to discuss, and there is such a huge place for Art and Creativity in the experience of Bereavement, Grief, Dying, End of Life. Goodness, there is so much Art can do here. Somehow, words in a conversation, words alone, are not enough to touch the places where we feel so deeply and often so very badly, our pain and loss and madness when we are bereaved. Oh goodness, there is such a place for art to help deal with those times.

I have met representatives from the Irish Cancer Society here at the exhibition, from the Irish Hospice Movement, from the Bethany Group who visit and are there for the bereaved, I have met representatives from the Glasnevin Trust, and a lovely kind and very experienced young director of an Undertaker Business here in Dublin. There have been many visitors who work in hospices as volunteers, there have been neighbours and friends of the Dublin Hosts, there have been nurses, doctors and the clergy. I will mention our first visitor, the local priest, whom I liked very much. He is a busy man, all priests are, and he took the trouble to come and be our first visitor. I didn't know that he had had to deal with his own bereavements until after he left and my Dublin Hosts told me. Not only was I delighted that he came, I was really touched that he should come while things were not so easy for him. And as he left, he gave me a donation to the A Graceful Death exhibition. An amazing start to the Dublin showing of A Graceful Death exhibition.

Today is our last day. The exhibition is scheduled to close at 6pm, but we are keeping it going for one extra day for those who can't make it during the weekend. I pack up and am off home to Bognor Regis on Tuesday.

The exhibition stays here in Dublin, and will go direct from Dublin to Manchester for its next showing in Februrary next year, at the Amazing Rev Rachel Mann's church, St Nicholas in Burnage, Manchester. That will happen because of the kindness of the Dublin Hosts' friend who drove all the way to Bognor from Dublin a few weeks ago to collect the paintings to bring them here, as his contribution to the exhibition. He has offered to take them from Dublin to Rachel's church so that it is easier to set up there. A big and heartfelt thank you to him.

When I get home, I will post pictures of the exhibition. The newest painting is the Self Portrait as a Survivor, and I met yesterday my next Survivor portrait. A lady who has lost a husband of 20 years, months before Steve died, who has carried on their wish to provide a place of rest and peace for those who are termally ill and need spiritual help. This lady is the next Survivor, and I hope to goodness we can put her into the next exhibition. With, too, her husband if she wishes. I would love it.

Emptiness Before The Event

2010-10-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

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www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis

Emptiness Before The Event, Gathering Of Strength And Resources

The Emptiness is about having mental space before the start of the exhibition. There is Emptiness in my studio too since all the paintings, including the Every Day Angels and the Jesus on the Tubes that accompany A Graceful Death have gone to Dublin with the main exhibition, but there is a necessary Emptiness in my mind before I go over and see what happens for this showing.

This Dublin Exhibition is a private showing and is invitation only. That is because the Dublin Hosts are giving the exhibition in their own home and not a public exhibition space. They have a home that will show the paintings extremely well, and are both extremely creative and very well connected. They have a guest list that would be the envy of any gallery - and they have given up their time and energy to making this A Graceful Death take its first steps in Ireland a good experience.

Before A Graceful Death shows anywhere I need to gather my energies and marshall my thoughts. This is not a static exhibition. It grows and changes with each time it goes public. It has started with my story, but what keeps it going is that my story is the same as everyone else that has been bereaved. The manner of death is Steve's own, but the fact that he died and I was left to live on is the same as everyone else who has lost someone. We are on a journey to then end of our own lives and life is never the same again. I have painted myself for this Dublin exhibition as a survivor. I am interested in painting other survivors, and all of us left to live on are survivors, whether we like it or not. I am interested in painting people at the end of their lives and those of us with lives still left to live. The big self portrait that I have done for this Dublin exhibition - which can be seen on the entry before this one - was my first attempt at this idea. I had envisaged a glorious painting of yellows and oranges, and of me with a calm, peaceful expression and my eyes benign and full of hope. What I got was glorious yellow and orange and a much tighter expression than I had expected. The serenity I hoped to capture is not completely there yet. A lesson to me, what I think and what I feel may be a little different.

So now, I am wondering what will happen next week when we show the paintings and hear what people say. I am looking forward to it, and hoping it will be as fascinating as the times before, when I have shown A Graceful Death. This Emptiness before the event, in that the paintings are all somewhere else out of my studio and house, waiting to be hung and arranged, will become the norm until at least March 2011. They will be taken directly from Dublin to Manchester where they will wait for their next showing. And by then, there should be at least one more painting to be shown. There is at least one more painting at every exhibition. And marshalling my thoughts? That always takes time and is so hard to find time for. A bit of space, silence and thinking time is essential before walking into the A Graceful Death arena. The subject of the exhibition - paintings from the end of life - the passion, the importance of everything that goes with dying, need some time for me to gather strength to do it justice. I do hope you come and see the exhibition when you can. It is so full of love and hope. You would be surprised.

Paintings Are In Dublin, I Follow Soon.

2010-10-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

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www.antoniarolls.blogspot.com for an account of an Artist and Mother in Bognor Regis

The Paintings Are In Dublin, The Studio Is Strangely Empty

This weekend, the paintings went to Ireland. My Hosts, who are privately showing the A Graceful Death exhibition, have been offered transport from a very longstanding family friend, to collect the paintings from Bognor to Dublin and return them after the exhibition. One of the Host's oldest friends came over in his huge car on the Saturday, packed up all the exhibition and left on the Sunday to drop them off at the Venue. I have known this extremely kind man for many years, but have never really talked to him. It was a good opportunity to speak with him and take time to get to know him a little. My dear Exhibition Host came too, and so my house was filled with jolly Irish men, something I could get used to. The fact that they were here out of the kindness and support of the exhibition was wonderful.

I have a radio interview in Dublin on either this coming Saturday or next Saturday. I will talk about A Graceful Death and what the exhibition is for, about how it came about and where it is going. More on that nearer the time.

The exhibition is growing. This time last year I was gearing up for my first showing of it here in West Sussex, and had no real idea of where it would go or what would happen to it. That first showing did not go as planned, but it still got a huge response. I was very nervous, it was the most important thing I had ever done in paint. Now, I take the exhibition to Ireland. I have no idea how it will be received, but I must be prepared for anything. The good thing is that no one need come to see the paintings unless they want to. One can't stumble on them by accident, they won't suddenly appear before you unless, you make the effort to come. My Hosts are showing the A Graceful Death privately, and want an invitation only exhibition. I am very happy with this, I am lucky to have the opportunity to come over and show the paintings. If I get another venue in Ireland that is not so private, I will be happy to print the address and invite you all. I do want you all to come and see them. It is so important that we talk about dying. I know so little about it, I have never done it, and this is only my first experience of it. But it has been a miracle. I will be shattered by every death I witness, I know there are more to come, and one day, my own will come. But Steve gave me the most extraordinary gift, one that had I been prewarned I would have refused; he gave me the experience of the end of life and the miracle of death. And because I am a painter, I painted my way through it. And I still am.

I will let know how it goes. I will photo it and if I can, take a few video shots of it. I will tape the interview and I hope I can put a link to it here too if I can.

I won't be seeing the paintings in the studio for a good long while now, as the kind fellow who drove them to Dublin is returning them directly to Manchester, where they will be shown in February 2011. They are showing in St Nicholas Church, Burnage, Manchester with the most marvellous Rev Rachel Mann. I hope to take my film making friend to make a film of A Graceful Death, the paintings and the experience. That, I think, would be absolutely wonderful.

Opening night is on Thursday 21 October. Not long now!

Getting Packed For Dublin. Finished Self Portrait. Very Busy

2010-10-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

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Paintings Go To Dublin This Weekend

So I am very busy packing and sorting and labelling. Over this weekend, the Hosts of the A Graceful Death in Dublin are coming over in a large car to collect the paintings and take them back to Dublin. They do this out of the kindness of their very large hearts, and it is a huge relief and help that they have offered to do this. But I have to have all the paintings ready and wrapped and labelled etc. The exhibition always runs with a small Jesus On The Tube exhibition and an Every Day Angel exhibition. I have found that showing other light hearted works balances the AGD well.

The Self Portrait now has a chair in it for me to sit on. Have a look, there are earrings, my ring and longer hair -

This painting is about being out-the-other-end but still real. I hope to paint others in stages of their journey too. It is a large painting, to compliment the "I'm Not Going Anywhere" portrait of Steve when he had just received his diagnosis of cancer - Steve will be at the beginning of the exhibition and I will be at the end.

This will be a very new experience in Dublin. The exhibition is not open to the general public, it will be invitation only. If however, you are interested in coming, contact me and leave your details and I will get back to you. The exhibition runs from Thursday 21 October till Monday 25 October. It will be the first time I have exhibited this AGD outside the UK.

There are so many different ways this exhibition could develop. It is full of potential, it is about Us, Our story, yours and mine. I am aware of so much unacknowledged need to talk about what happened to us, to our loved ones, to our lives when we lost someone. I want to capture something of that experience in paint and keep it for everyone to see. I want to make it visible, even if all I do is represent with no frills, the reality of the body as it dies. The look in our eyes as we make the journey after the death of someone, into the rest of our lives.

The A Graceful Death will be travelling next year. In February it will go to St Nicholas Church, Burnham, Manchester and in November it goes to St Martin in the Bullring in Birmingham. In between, I want to take it to Edinburgh and there is now an offer to take it to Yorkshire, to a teeny and wonderful stately home there.

If you are interested, leave a message on this blog with your email and I will get back to you. Onwards and Upwards, got to get packing!

The Dublin Date Is Nearing, Organising And Details Now

2010-10-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

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Much Still To Do For Dublin Dates

I have finished the paintings. Yes, the ones that I needed to do for this Dublin showing are done and drying. I still have some poetry to write up that was sent in by people who visited the exhibition and want to add something of their own. Apart from that, it is all organisation and detail now. The Hosts in Ireland wish to remain anonymous, as this particular show is a Private Showing in a Private House. They are setting up an invitation only exhibition where they have been selecting and asking all those they think will be interested in the paintings. I have an opening night on the Thursday 21 October, and over the next few days, the exhibition is aiming to attract at least 200 people. The Dublin Hosts know and are connected to a lot of people.

I am very impressed with the way the A Graceful Death is being organised in Dublin. I think it will be a very targeted group of people and organisations that come, and I will need my wits about me, because as with all the AGD exhibitions, questions will be asked as to what exactly I am doing, and why. Well, gosh, I have answered that so often and because I feel the exhibition is such a fluid and organic enterprise, the answers can get bigger and bigger. I am doing this show because I can. It is the only way I can share the depth of the experience of loss and of love. I am not alone, all of you have a story to tell of love and loss, but for a while I thought I was the only one to suffer in the way I was suffering. I tried to paint it to make sense of it. And once I had done that, I found that I was just one of many to have had a bereavement. I was just one of millions of ongoing bereavements, and all of us felt this bad.

I will keep you all informed of the A Graceful Death in Dublin. I will honour my Hosts wishes to remain anonymous, and I will tell you all how it went. I will photo it and tell you how it was received, which I cannot for the life of me, predict.

There are two more firm dates that you can come and visit, which are in February 2011 at the Rev Rachel Mann's church, St Nicholas in Burnage in Manchester. More details and publicity on that when nearer the time. And in November 2011, AGD is going to St Martins in the Bullring in Birmingham. That will be for about 3weeks, and will include workshops that I will be taking on bereavement and related feelings, with the very talented poet Penny Hewlet. I have ideas for other workshops, some very unusual, but all very significant. More too, on that, nearer the time.

Now I must go and Laminate. All the painting descriptions and the write ups need to be prepared and make indestructable. Laminate them, I thought, and so now I shall. I must also send out all the invitations, the related publicity to the selected invitees, and the information that needs to accompany each invite. The paintings are being collected by two wonderful and dedicated Irish Men In A Large Vehicle next weekend, out of the goodness of their hearts. All they ask is a bed for the night. They will get that and a large meal on the hour every hour and many many grateful thanks. So now I must go and Pepare. More later.

New Paintings, New Venues - Dublin Hosts A Graceful Death

2010-09-27T05:29:00.000-07:00

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A Graceful Death Goes To Dublin

At the end of October, I am taking the paintings to be exhibited at a Private Venue in Dublin. This exhibition is not open to the general public, and will available as an Invite Only showing. This is the first time I have exhibited this way, and it is a very good way of asking those who would be interested in the exhibition on a number of fronts. There will be those who have a professional interest in the subject of End of Life and Bereavement and Palliative Care, there will be members of the medical profession, there will be those representing Religion and others who may be interested in the paintings as works of art. The organisers of this Private View will also ask friends and family, as this subject is a huge part of every person's life.

I am very happy about this Dublin Adventure. It will make me aware of a new audience. I wonder how it will go, and what the Irish and I will make of each other. I don't know how Irish people view death and dying, I have never asked them. Maybe they are open to the subject and talk about it more, maybe they are able to cope with it through religion. Maybe they aren't. I am intrigued, and realise I will only meet a microscopically small selection of the population, so I won't have all the answers at the end of this showing of A Graceful Death. I won't ever have all the answers to anything, though. Much though I would like them.

Here, then, is a new and not yet finished painting for the exhibition.

It shows me sitting as a Survivor. It shows me as someone who has come through the darkest of times into a happier phase of my life. Here, I am Transcendent. Losing Steve has not disappeared, I am not as if it didn't happen, but I am living a life Beyond. The yellow around me is about sheer life, love, hope, light. It is Newness, Joy, Heat. I sit without smiling, I am calm and I am without any props, and I don't need to have any expression, I just Am. And I Am Better. Steve lives with me alongside my life as it is now, and my life has moved on to include happiness, peace, laughter and love. I am a Survivor.

The painting is not yet finished. I want to add the chair I am sitting on, and some other little details like my earrings, and touching up my hair a bit. And the hands need some work and my ring needs to be added. But I love love love this yellow colour. It is absolutely the Right Thing to me today.

More on the Private Dublin showing of A Graceful Death as it unfolds. It will be showing from Thursday 21 October to Monday 25 October.

John Horne - "Papa". A New Painting Of A Lovely Man

2010-09-10T06:38:00.000-07:00

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A New Painting of John Horne, "Papa" .

29 November 1911 to 5 September 1999

Papa (by Kate Massey, Papa's Granddaughter)

John Horne (29^th November 1911- 5^th September 1999)

My Papa was born in Grangemouth, Scotland, just before the first World War. His childhood was poor but very happy. Growing up during the depression, there was no money for extended education, so he left school at fourteen and became an apprentice painter and decorator. This suited his naturally artistic temperament and he enjoyed his work.

He married my Grandma, Isa, just four days his junior when they were both 25, and she was the love of his life. Shortly after their marriage, they were separated for over five years during WWII as Papa served in the army as a driver. His tales of war-time were never of conflict or hardship, but of how his painting skills were used to make scenery for their amateur dramatic shows, or of how he once drove from Italy to Belgium without stopping, constantly eating dry biscuits in an attempt to stay awake! At one stage in his service, he was involved in looking after POWs and befriended a German painter from the Black Forest. Papa got some oils so the POW could paint, and in return the POW painted a scene from his homeland for my Papa. It was one of his most treasured possessions and was displayed above his fireplace for decades after.

After the war, he resumed his quiet and unassuming life, working, looking after his family including his two beloved children - my uncle, Jim, and my mum, Isobel - and serving as an Elder in his parish church.

I didn’t meet my Papa until 1977. He’d just retired, and a demanding little granddaughter was just what he needed to fill his time. My little sister, who arrived two years later helped too. Papa and I were very close. I have so many memories of him teaching me to play cards and dominoes, taking me to the park, watching Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies with me, drinking endless pretend cups of tea when I was playing with my plastic toy teaset, drawing pictures for me, covering the formica coffee table with pencil lines so we could play shove ha’penny. He never got bored of playing.

Papa had the worst sense of humour in the world – he was the only person I knew who found the jokes inside crackers genuinely funny – and every visit brought another quip he had collected from the radio. We were always laughing about something. Grandma would just tut at his nonsense, then go and make him another cup of tea, with lots of milk and practically a ladle-full of sugar, before finding some lemonade and biscuits for me.

Dementia and then cancer slowly stole my grandparents away. Soon, they were in a residential home together, most often found sitting on a little double sofa by the front door, greeting any visitors. My Grandma’s memory loss made her increasingly difficult, yet my Papa loved her to the end, and was practically bursting with pride the day they celebrated their Diamond wedding in 1997. My Mum maintains that when Grandma died in early 1999, it was only because my Papa’s own memory loss gave him some respite from his grief that he survived her by as much as seven months.

We were lucky. As Papa’s mental and physical health deteriorated, he became almost more himself than ever. He covered his memory lapses with jokes, funny sayings and songs. He couldn’t play cards and shove ha’penny anymore, but his love for us still shone out of him. He may have taught me much through his life, but it was in his death he taught me the most profound lesson. A human’s dignity is not based on what they can do, but on who they are. My Papa was a good, gentle and loving man.

This portrait is based on a photo taken of my Papa weeks before he died. He was so tired. I knew we didn’t have long, and I took the camera with me that day because I wanted a few last pictures. His leaving us was such a painful yet precious experience, and I wanted to hold a little of that forever. Now, through Antonia’s work, I can hold it with the full beauty it deserves. He died his own Graceful Death. The day he died, I visited him. He was asleep and looking so peaceful I couldn’t bear to wake him so I simply kissed him and left. Later that night, the carers walked him to his room, and he was singing to them. Once in his room, as they prepared him for bed, he slipped away.

Papa’s was a fairly ordinary life, lived quietly and without show. Yet it was transfigured by his love. At his funeral we chose for the reading the famous biblical treatise on love, and so I quote from it here:

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a,13 (NIV)

Kate's Grandfather Papa will be joining the A Graceful Death exhibition in Dublin in October.

Why Am I Doing A Graceful Death Exhibition?

2010-08-30T01:27:00.000-07:00

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What Is It All About? What Is A Graceful Death For?

A Graceful Death is an exhibition of paintings from the End of Life. The story begins with the death of my partner from cancer in November 2007. I painted him in his last few weeks, days, and the day of his death, and have produced some very raw, powerfully real and beautiful paintings of the human body as it folds away into death.

The exhibition has grown over the last year to include other stories, images and experiences from those who are moved by the paintings to want to include thier own loved ones to be remembered. I have been working on portraits of people no longer with us, painted from images loaned to me by relatives of the person concerned, for inclusion in the A Graceful Detah exhibition. I have poetry sent in to me and I have now, at every exhibition, a small pot of flower for a young man called David, from his brother, who misses him and didn't want a painting or poetry to represent David.

Wy am I doing it?

I am doing it because I feel so passionately that dying is the most important part of our lives. I am doing this because I can communicate and reach out through paintings. I lost the man I loved, but, I am not the only one to have suffered bereavement. I know how it feels and I know how surviving it feels, and I can use these paintings to go far beyond that which words can say.

It is not a comercial venture. It makes me no money and the paintings cannot be sold. Somehow, the exhibition is growing and is travelling from place to place, and somehow it is being supported. The only way this exhibitioncan and does surbibe, is through donations and funding from indiiduals who have bisited the exhibition and have understood the importance of enableing this conversation on Life and Death.

The paintings are about Love and Loss and about How We Die. I will carry with me forever my loss of Steve. I will never forget how it feels to watch him die; there will always be a Before Steve and an After Steve. The paintings are meant to hold you. They are to strike that buried chord in your stomach, of recognition and understanding. I am doing this so that your experience is givern a small shock of empathy, and to ask you to Remember. The love is present in the care, the compassion and the detail that I paint into each picture. The love is in the fact that I want to honour those at the end of their journey, and that I am not afraid to do it.

And there is always the survival of those of us that are left behind. I have one painting which is dedicated to the fact that we do carry on, and life becomes good again, and happiness is not only possible, but right.

Our lives will end. We will die. After someone we love dies, the pain we feel, and the difference in our perception of life and death, is horribly real. These paintings are abut that pain and that difference. They are also about the Power of Life that continues regardless, whether we wish it to or not. I am painting dying, death, loss, illness, hope, love and redemption.