Monday 21 September 2009
A Picture Of Steve From Worthing Hospital
As an image, I like this. I like the features becoming sharper and larger as the face gets thinner. I have painted the whites of the eyes yellow because of the jaundice, and his eyes were yellow. As was his skin. There are many more things to paint, I think, on a thin face. There is more evidence of bone structure and tendons and the skin clings to the structure of the head more, so I can see more shadow.
I remember this moment when Steve felt acutely aware, for this moment, of his fading looks. His dramatic weight loss was still only just beginning, and for a man who was used to health and robust good looks, these moments must have been very hard.
Here is one of me standing awkwardly. On the painting there is a big black cross marking where the cancer was in Steve's body.
I have no face, it is too much to paint my face.
Today I am finishing the full length portrait of the healthy Steve and starting on the tryptich that I want to use to describe alone-ness. I want to do these paintings, but I don't too. Today I have a knot in my stomach and it would be very nice to go on holiday and lie in the sun instead. But only I can do my own exhibition. Better just do it. The large portrait is lovely and it looks like Steve is looking at me, my only worry is that it may be empty. I seem to only go so far with these paintings, and still have not captured the experience enough. Maybe I never will, maybe no one can. However, I will go now into the studio and see what happens.