Photos By Eileen Rafferty And A New Venture For Me

A Graceful Death Exhibition

St Martin in the Bull Ring, Birmingham B5 5BB

Friday 4 November - Tuesday 29 November

Open Daily

Come and write your piece in the Memory Book in the exhibition.  Write about you, write in poetry or prose.  Say what you want.  Tell us about who you remember.

These are some photos for you by Eileen Rafferty who has written of the exhibition in her excellent blog Photosynthesis - http://www.eileen-rafferty.com/2011/11/exhibition-graceful-death.html .   

Steve in shadow, taken by Eileen as the sun was slowly setting.

The paintings of Stuart and his wife Sue Pryde.  Sue killed herself in 2008 and this is an important work and comment on Sue's suicide.  Written in the three smaller paintings are extracts from Sue's writings, her suicide note to the police (not her suicide note to Stuart) and her letter to Stuart on their wedding day.  Sue is deeply missed and mourned by her husband and her friends.

We are very lucky indeed to have the services of Penny Hewlett, poet in residence at St Martin in the Bull Ring.  Penny is taking poetry workshops on themes taken from the exhibition.  These are a couple of photos from her first workshop.

Penny talking to a very interesting lady from her first workshop, on the subject of Facing Loss.

The same lady working on exercises in writing and thinking that Penny had set.

 These are the hands of a poet, Jenna Plewes who has written the poem on death below.  I am using this and at least two other poems of Jenna's for the exhibition.  Jenna is a warm, intelligent lady who's hands Eileen has captured in her usual excellent way.

 Beechwoods

 Spring sunshine brings the beech leaves

to a simmering mouthwatering greenness

and the bluebells beneath are a long cool drink of blue.

I walk carefully, but leave a bruised path,

and so I stop, and let the blue green day sift down around me.

Inside a voice says “hold on to this, remember this,

remember this when the busy world reclaims you,

see still in your mind’s eye the blue  and the green,

and the gentle sky.

Tomorrow I go to Dorset to start my training as a Soul Midwife with Felicity Warner.  www.soulmidwives.co.uk.

I will be starting something that I am very keen to do.  Until I start learning about it, I am reluctant to say very much.  I am not trained to do anything professionally.  I am not a medic, I am not a counsellor, I am not even trained as an artist.  I know that I can help people who are dying, and I want to learn how to do it.  As far as I can see, a Soul Midwife provides emotional and spiritual support for those who are dying, whether at the time of diagnosis or later on.  A Soul Midwife will walk alongside someone at the end of their lives, helping to make the experience as easy as possible.  I will learn how to listen, comfort, discuss, do things, and when the time comes if requested, to be present as they die.   I will work alongside doctors and nurses, counsellors and other trained professionals, to make the experience of the end of life as good and peaceful as possible.

More on this as I do it.

In the meantime, please go to St Martin in the Bull Ring and witness the A Graceful Death exhibition. Penny's final workshop will take place during the closing ceremony of the exhbition on Tuesday 29 November, at 2pm.  The title of the workshop will be Moving On.  I will be there and am looking forward to doing another of Penny's moving and uplifting poetry workshops.  I hope to see you there too.

A Quiet And Profound Opening

A Graceful Death Exhibition

St Martin in the Bull Ring, Birmingham B5 5BB

Friday 4 November - Tuesday 29 November

Open Daily

Come and write your piece in the Memory Book in the exhibition.  Write about you, write in poetry or prose.  Say what you want.  Tell us about who you remember.

We opened A Graceful Death on Thursday 3 November, in the lovely old church St Martin in the Bull Ring in Birmingham.  Eileen Rafferty, the photographer, photographed some of the paintings in situ, and photographed the poetry workshop which was held by Penny Hewlett, poet in residence at the church.


This is a small update for you, I will post another account with photos from Eileen next week.  Our new works, Nushi Khan-Levy and Stuart and Sue Pryde, were received with interest.  People were heartened by Nushi's image of Cancer Chic, and the account of her decision to live one day at a time.  Her obvious beauty, even while undergoing chemotherapy, even while losing her hair and feeling so very ill, made people smile with recognition.  If Nushi can do it, we can.  And Stuart and Sue Pryde's story stunned a good few people.  Very powerful, they said.  It is very powerful, and the fact that some of Sue's words are displayed as part of the artwork, is very touching indeed.  Sue has left behind an account of her decision to kill herself, which will start a profound discussion about suicide. Her writing is difficult to read, she is extremely articulate and holds nothing back.  I have only used a fraction of it in the paintings, but what I have used is very good.  Her husband, Stuart, is a brave man to allow this subject of his wife's suicide to be made into an art work to try and touch others who may be in the same situation.

I was very fortunate to meet at last, the Rev Al Barrett and his wife and children, who came to the exhibition on Friday morning.  I know of Al through friends in Birmingham, and though we had corresponded, we had not met.  Now we have, and very lovely it was too!   I was touched by his and his wife's response to the exhibition.  As a priest, Al has to deal with bereavement and the end of life.  It never gets any easier, he says.  He often doesn't know what to say, but just being there is all he can do sometimes.  The painting that meant the most to him was the Tea And Hope Diptych.  There is always, he says, just the simple act of making tea.  Sometimes, that is all he can do.  Al wrote a wonderful piece about the exhibition in his very excellent blog below.  

http://thisestate.blogspot.com/2011/11/death-society-and-mundane-littleness-of.html?spref=fb

 Tea And Hope Diptych.  This is the painting that the Rev Al Barrett liked the most.











It is worth mentioning that Al's enchanting little son aged 3, when asked how Steve was feeling in one of the paintings, said without hesitation, Grumpy.  

The poetry workshop was so moving and so excellent.  Penny Hewlett ran quite a challenging session for us, and I recommend that you who can, go to Penny's other two workshops.  They are

Workshop 2: Saying Goodbye    Saturday 12 November 11 am - 1pm (if you are coming to this workshop please bring some photos)

Workshop 3: Moving Away      Tuesday 29 November, talk 2.00 and Workshop 2.30 - 4.00 pm 

 Penny will be compiling a small book of all the poetry that is created from these sessions, which will be available at the next A Graceful Death exhibitions.  To end today's update, I want to add a poem that Penny wrote in response to the painting below.  It made me cry.

Letting Go

What do you see,

my love, as you sit in this bath

with bubbles and yellow ducks,

touches of life and loving kindness

in the midst of desolation?

What do you see,

from your tired eyes, heavy lidded,

No longer looking out at what

is all around you, the gentle hands

that hold you, wash you,

bringing you this gift,

last as it was first.

What do you see,

now the world is disappearing,

as your strength leaves you

and light no longer brings you

gifts of sight?

I see that you are leaving me,

even now, you who are the life

that breathes colour into my days.

I see that you have passed into shadow,

as even my touch slides like water

from  your skin.

I see there are no hands

to hold me now, no last look

to say goodbye, though I say it

for us both, through the fierce

pain of separation.

Penny Hewlett

Stuart and Sue Pryde and Nushi Khan-Levy Finished Paintings

A Graceful Death Exhibition

St Martin in the Bull Ring, Birmingham B5 5BB

Friday 4 November - Tuesday 29 November

Open Daily

Opening Event Thursday 3 November

2pm - 4pm

With

Poetry Workshop with Penny Hewlett

Poet in Residence at St Martins 

from 2.30 - 4  "Facing Loss"

All Very Welcome and Tea and cakes for all

 

I have finished the paintings of Stuart and Sue Pryde.  Sue committed suicide on 7 August 2008, leaving her husband Stuart bereft, confused and devastated.  Stuart has worked with Eileen Rafferty, photographer and co-producer of the A Graceful Death exhibition, and me to produce these images and allow me to reproduce some of Sue's words and her suicide note.  I have not used Sue's suicide note to Stuart, just the one she left for the police.  

The image I have used for Sue is an image that Stuart came upon by accident, it was taken without her knowing only a few days before her planned suicide took place.  The photo shows Sue without artifice, as she truly was at that moment with the knowledge of what she had planned and set up taking up all her thoughts.  No one knew of her decision, and the photograph was just a quick snap of a friend on an uneventful afternoon.  What it actually captured is evident in hindsight.  Sue was withdrawing from the world, setting things in motion for her death and most of all, keeping it deeply secret.   Who could have known?  Taking this photo was the last image ever taken of her.  Who could have known that within a few days she would have arranged her own death in a deeply thoughtful and precise way.  Sue left no space for failure, she wanted to die and killed herself with gentleness, peace and deadly thoroughness.

Stuart loved his wife and loves her still.  Eileen and Neill have both filmed him when he came here to discuss this work for A Graceful Death, and we were all struck at the depth of his love for her and for her love for him.  But Sue had too many terrible demons in her mind, and nothing it seemed, could still them.  Her own death was the only way out.  Here are the paintings

Both Stuart and Sue loved gardening and these are the flowers that Stuart suggested for the paintings.  The deep blue sky is a memory of the skies of Sue's childhood in Tanzania.  Below are three smaller canvases that go in between Stuart and Sue

The words are Sue's suicide letter, some words from Sue's diary, and finally Sue's wonderful letter to Stuart on their wedding day.  The text is set out below for you to read.  It is very important that you read these words, Sue was articulate and amazing.

First Painting

To whom it may concern

I have taken 40mg of diazepam to decrease my anxiety, and some more (crushed) to depress my breathing and decrease my likelihood of convulsions.  Some Tramadol simply because it makes me dizzy; around 6 units of alcohol and 30mg zoplicone.  The helium is self-evident.  There is no cry for help here; I do not intend to be found; I intend to die.

My plan is to have taken enough drugs and alcohol to fall into an unnatural sleep.  Before I do so, I plan to turn on the helium in order to suffer oxygen deprivation and die.  I am afraid of pain and do not want to suffer.  I think and hope that this will be a peaceful way out for me.

I do not have a mental health problem, and I feel that I have made the decision to die as a rational choice given the nature of my life for the past 40 years.  I have decided that I can’t tolerate my feelings of helplessness and disgust (for myself and the rest of the world) any longer.

I am not afraid of death

but I am afraid of dying.  I have been waiting for the right time to do this for many years, and now it’s here, I look forward to just not being here anymore.

Should I be found alive, this will be a mistake on my part, because I intend to die.  I ask that no attempt be made to resuscitate or treat my condition.  I request that I be allowed to die.  Should I end up unconscious and in hospital being treated, I request that I do not be treated in any way other than by being given

oral care.  There is a Statement of Values attached here, and this document specifies the conditions under which I would like to live and die.  If necessary, please revert to that document for guidance.  I know it is unlikely that my organs will be of use, but I’m on the organ donor register all the same.

I offer my sincere apologies to the staff of Premier Inns, and in particular to the staff member who was unfortunate enough to find me.  I hope that the anonymity that suited me

 will help them to keep what has happened as an abstract concept that does not intrude too heavily on their life.

I would like to add that I did this entirely under my own steam.  Stuart nor any other person has any knowledge of my plans.  No person helped me in any way.  No person or organisation that supplied me with equipment had any knowledge of my intentions, and I took great care to act in an appropriate manner when making purchases.

If I could somehow do this with making no impact on anyone’s life, I would.  I am more sorry than anyone can know that I will make people look inside themselves to see what they did to drive me to this.  I truly hope that those who know anything about suicide (either from experience or study) will know that this was a decision I made all by myself, and that nothing anyone could do was enough to keep me from this path.

The people I love most in this world are Stuart, Maureen and Tara.  The rest are irrelevant to me.

Second Painting

If life is sacred, then we shouldn't have to drag it around like a death thing all our lives.

This is such an alone place to be.  I don't choose to be here - I choose to be someplace else that no one else can understand unless they feel suicidal.  It's cruel that ther is nobody to help me simply because suicide is such a taboo.  A dying cat or dog can be cradled in its owners arms.

I see myself as being stuck with these terrible feelings for the last forty years, and when I think of just how long that is, I want to lie down and sleep forever because I'm so tired of it all, day after day of loathing.  It makes me choke and vomit in the morning, each time I awaken and realise I'm still here.  And that it won't end, and witll be the same until I run out of steam.

Third Painting

Sue’s statement on our wedding day, 26^th June 1998.

When we are done, and they see the pages of our life, bound and nestling together, I want them to turn to each other and say: “Theirs was a good book – such characters; what a story.”

Some will see the life and laughter; some the pain and death.  Some will see God and love.  But they’ll all know a good book when they see one.

And when I read our book, I want to read about all the laughter and all the pain; all the life and all the death; all the God and all the love, because a good book has it all.

We have built our castles and planted our trees, and I thank our God for what we have done together.  If one of us dies today, we will have had a beginning, a middle and an end, and if we live to be a hundred it will be the same.  I know that had our pages, our lives, not been set this way, we would not have found this love: Circumstance and coincidence have long ceased to explain our magic.

Nushi Khan-Levy

 Re reading Nushi's notes taken when we discussed the painting, I realised that I had not painted Nushi's love of cherry blossom.  I have taken out the yellow patterned halo, taken from a Hindu Goddess painting, which did not really suit Nushi, and replaced it with a softer more sympathetic cherry blossom halo.  Nushi is still a goddess, she is warmer and softer with this pink colour and style.  I have improved her eyes, and I have painted in the lower right hand corner, the small cut glass perfume bottle that she talked of.  If, she said, she could distill all the moments of love and understanding, the close and intimate moments of empathy and kindness, shared with her husband during her illness and treatment, she would put them into a beautiful perfume bottle so that when she is better, and life has returned to normal, she can dab a little of that perfume on each morning to remind her of how close they were.  

This image below, is taken by Eileen Rafferty, the official photographer and co producer of A Graceful Death.

So now, come to the exhibition if you can.  You are all welcome, and write in the Memory Book all that you want.  I will be there for the opening on Thursday and for Friday morning, and then on the 28 and 29 November for the closing prayer and poetry workshop with the amazing Penny Hewlett.

Painting And Preparing For Birmingham In November

 A Graceful Death at St Martin in the Bull Ring, Birmingham B5 5BB

Friday 4 November - Tuesday 29 November Daily

Opening Event with Poetry Workshop by Poet in Residence Penny Hewlett on Thursday 3 November, in the church.

Amazing how time flies.  I first planned this Birmingham exhibition over a year ago, and thought it was always too far away to worry about.  And now, it is here.  The exhibition opens at the end of this month.  I am getting everything ready, including the following items -

• I am developing Nushi Khan Levy's portrait a little.  When I read the notes we took when we interviewed her, there were references that she wanted to her life which I had missed.  I have given her a cherry blossom type halo now, and have put in the pretty perfume bottle that she said would represent the closeness she felt with her husband during her chemotherapy treatment.  If she could distill these precious moments, she said, and put them in a bottle of perfume, she would dab a little on her wrists every day later when she was well.  There are a few more touches I want to add, like leaves.  And more words.
• Painting Stuart and Sue's portraits has begun.  For some reason, Sue has turned out smaller than Stuart.  They are facing each other in profile, with a bright blue sky behind them.  I will add flowers and plants that meant a lot to both of them, and see what happens.  Already I want to add a golden outline to Sue.  The photo I am using is the last one of her, taken a few days before she carried out her planned suicide, which is leaving me feeling very sad.  I like her face, though it is not very easy to see in this photo.  I like her, and I want to do something that says she is special.  Stuart is coming on very well.  He is blessed with a face that is very easy to see.  Some people have features that seem to merge into each other and the face, and thus are hard to distinguish.  Stuart does not have this problem, his is a face I can do!
• Penny Hewlett's poem May Remembrance needs to be re written and re presented.  I have not done it justice, and so, will do it again.
• I am writing the prayer I wrote after Steve died on a larger piece of canvas.  The original is on a block of wood and is difficult to read.  Possibly because I was so disgusted with God when I wrote it.  But I want the words to be read clearly;  we are often very angry when someone we love dies, and want to tell God in no uncertain terms what we think of the whole thing.  It is part of the experience of loss.

Poetry Workshops During the Exhibition by Penny Hewlett  

St Martin in the Bullring has a poet in residence.  Penny Hewlett is a fine poet and a deeply thoughtful lady, very experienced in many areas of life and living, and dedicated to her craft.  I am so lucky to have Penny to take poetry workshops for the A Graceful Death exhibition, and these are the dates and times -

Workshop 1: Facing Loss          Thursday 3 November: opening 2.00 pm and workshop 2.30-4.00pm
Workshop 2: Saying Goodbye    Saturday 12 November 11 am - 1pm (if you are coming to this workshop please bring some photos)
Workshop 3: Moving Away      Tuesday 29 November, Talk 2.00, Workshop 2.30 - 4.00 pm 

I hope to see you all for the opening on Thursday 3 November,  where we will not only have Penny's first workshop on Facing Loss, we will have tea and cake.  Perfect.

Birmingham Next. Come And See Us There.

So now the next exhibition is full steam ahead. Here are the dates and times for your diaries -

A Graceful Death Exhibition next at 

 St Martin in the Bullring

Birmingham B5 5BB

November 4 - November 29

opening times to be confirmed - approx 9 am to 4.30 pm

Opening Celebration - all welcome -

Thursday 3 November

2pm - 3.30pm

Tea and cakes for everyone and 

poetry workshop run by Poet in Residence Penny Hewlett.

Come and meet us, see the paintings and write in our Memory Book

Eileen Rafferty, my dear photographer friend, is now officially on board and is part of the A Graceful Death exhibition.  She has always done so much for it, always been behind the scenes giving her time and expertise and being indispensable in every way.  I am delighted to have her officially a part of A Graceful Death.   Though Neill Blume is making us a film of A Graceful Death, how the exhibition works and what it all means, (ready by the end of this year),  Eileen will also be providing a separate small film and sound track to show alongside the paintings, complimenting Neill's work and approach.  Eileen also is the official AGD photographer and will be publishing many of her works in an A Graceful Death book at the end of this year.  The book will be on sale at our next exhibition at St James's in Piccadilly, over Easter 2012.

We are very lucky indeed to have the services of St Martin's Poet in Residence, Penny Hewlett.  Penny will be leading three separate poetry workshops within the A Graceful Death exhibition, working with concepts that affect us at the end of life. The first workshop will run during the Opening on Thursday 3 November, 2 - 3.30pm.   I will let you know more as Penny lets me know her themes.  There will be a workshop mid exhibition, dates when I know them, and at the end of the A Graceful Death's time in St Martin's.  Penny will run her final poetry workshop at the closing ceremony on November 29 between 2 - 3.30pm.

I also hope to show  work by the artist Stevan Stratford.  Stevan is the artist in residence at St Barnabas Hospice in Worthing, West Sussex.  He is very intrigued by the themes of 'There and Not There'.  Stevan has a small installation piece that is both deeply thoughtful and deeply intriguing.  I hope to show it in Birmingham, more on that later.

For this new exhibition, I am showing the paintings of Nushi Khan-Levy, who is so  interesting to film and to paint.  She is painted looking very glamorous, doing what she called Cancer Chic despite the effects of her chemotherapy treatment.  She is an articulate and powerful lady! I am also painting the portraits of Stuart and his wife Sue for this exhibition.  Sue killed herself, leaving Stuart utterly bereft.  Sue also left some very powerful accounts of her decision to die, and has left us with no doubt that she could not do otherwise.  Her accounts are moving, tragic and deeply brave.  No amount of her love for her husband Stuart, can make his life now any easier.  Stuart struggles to live on without her, and his decision to be painted with Sue, and to use some of her words for the exhibition, is brave and strong.  I know Sue will touch others and will open up a conversation on the dreadful pain of suicide. 

More Dates For Your Diaries

With each showing there is more work.  I will paint more paintings, the public will send in more poetry for which I am incredibly grateful.  Penny Hewlett has agreed to come to London to run poetry workshops there and Eileen Rafferty's book of her photography around the A Graceful Death exhibition  will be on sale.  Neill Blume's film of A Graceful Death, what it means and interviews with various participants in the exhibition, will also be showing and copies will be available for sale too.  

A Graceful Death will be showing at St James's in Piccadilly, London over Easter 2012.  

Tuesday 27 March - Tuesday 10 April 2012.

A Graceful Death will be showing at Sheffield University, Sheffield for three days in November 2012 as a public engagement event aimed at exploring and debating end-of-life issues using perspectives from University of Sheffield research, art and poetry.

More on these engagements nearer the time. 

In the meantime, if you want to contact me about this exhibition, please do so.  I am available on antonia.rolls1@btinternet.com 

See you in Birmingham on Thursday 3 November for the Opening of A Graceful Death, from 2pm  -  3.30pm.